Jadori: An Introduction

In this post, new staff writer Jadori couples an introductory post with a personal story of her journey of being a plus-sized woman dating interracially.

 

I’m a fat girl. I admit it. I am what most men consider the bottom of the dating world. When I was in my teens, I always thought that I was going to have that high school love (ladies you know what I’m talking about). He would be that jock player the V.I.P that was not like the other guys on the team who liked you for you. But let’s get back to reality…when you’re a geek that doesn’t happen. It is even harder when you are a woman of color that is also a geek that is going to a school that is nothing but White people you are public enemy number one. Especially towards white girls they really hated me and to this day I never understood why. But then I realized I was a “foreign” desire for most of the white boys that I would walk by. I was not a normal high school girl but to them I was an experiment. Now, I can’t speak for white men because I am not one. However, I still find it very interesting that some white men when it comes to dating women outside of their race women of color are still being viewed as animistic in nature.

 

That is where my low self-esteem came from. When I would look at those horrible teen magazines such as Seventeen or YM all they talked about was white love and never about people of color who dated outside of their race. They especially never talked about us fat women. We were the minority especially in the 90s when the plus-size woman was just coming up on the market and it was slowly becoming oh ok to show your curves. But for me and many other plus-sized women out who are from a different racial group from looking at these magazines you are programmed to believe that white women are prefect especially if they are “in shape” or skinny for that matter. What ever happened to just focusing on being healthy and loving your body? When these white men would look at me I was something new to them: something that for some have never encountered in their life. For me as well having a super-curvy body and full-figured chest at such a young age was a confusing time for me as well. But then, I met a boy named Todd (not his real name) who sat by me one day and told me that I was beautiful. It was then that my world was truly flipped upside down. Those generalizations that I had about White men gave me a desire for them. These are the tips that I had learned from Todd about building self-esteem:

 

The more you work out, the better you will feel about yourself.

If you care about your outward appearance, you must admit your inner struggle in order to heal.

 

 

Here is a white man who is considered to be the top of the dating chain (at time now I feel black men and Latino men are heavily more desired) who wanted to understand the struggles that I faced as a woman of color and wanted to be with me. But of course for some white men they tend to fall under the pressures of other white people personalities change. Although it did not work out between us it helped to realize that if I could not love myself and be a strong woman of color for myself and keeping my health together then I am failing myself. By working out, it allowed me to let go of all of the stresses instead of eating my sorrows away. By being a part of this blog in sense is helping me to go through my inner struggle. I realize that I am not the perfect woman but by telling my stories I hope to help other plus-sized women who are going through the same issues.

 

 

Window Shopping

Staff writer Frank Friedlander writes about the “look, don’t touch” policy in relationships. What do you think?

 

So it seems that over the years, my wife has caught my eyes wandering more and more. The good news is she’s taken it more and more lightly each time. Why is this? The simple answer is that boys will be boys, and she’s given up trying to stop such behavior. They say we should chose out battles, and this is one no longer worth fighting. On the other hand, a great deal of that reasoning is related to trust.

 

To elaborate, in a new relationship, you certainly don’t want to be caught window-shopping. Not too hard anyway. Not only can it be viewed as insulting to your present company when you stare just a bit too hard, but in the early stages of a relationship, trust, or for that matter lack there of is far from established. When you’ve recently started dating somebody, and you’re already checking out others, there’s not much indication that you will walk over and start flirting as soon as your date’s back is turned.

 

However, as time goes on, a certain level of trust will be established. If not, the relationship simply is not healthy enough to be sustained. This is not to say that after a certain length of time it’s permissible to gawk every time an attractive girl walks by; however, once said trust has been established, it becomes harmless, and somewhat laughable. Just don’t touch the merchandise.

 

The ladies reading this can sneer and scowl all they want, but I know they do the same. They’re just better at it, or at least better at avoiding getting caught. Then again, men aren’t as likely to make a fuss over such behavior. Additionally, man candy isn’t as abundant, at least of the unwrapped variety. When summer rolls around, we have to contend with sundresses, short shorts, and mini skirts virtually everywhere. Maybe at the beach or the gym, topless men in shorts are not uncommon, but in a general setting, we’re covered up. Those that are not are more laugh-worthy than anything, often accompanied by excessive body hair, including an outdated mustache and creepy medallion.

 

We have to deal with it every time the temperature hits the 70s. Aversion of the gaze is easier said then done when bombarded with eye candy. They say that the human eye will automatically focus on the most aesthetically pleasing image in sight. With this in mind, turning my head when a head turner passes by is as natural of a reaction as a sneeze. As long as it’s no more than a look, there’s no harm done. I’m not going to lie, I’ve done more than my share of window shopping but never considered making a purchase of any kind.

 

In Muslim culture, women are forced to keep completely covered, with virtually no visible skin. This is for religious reasons, and said to be sanctioned by men. My theory is that in reality, it was in fact Muslim women that originated this custom. They live in very temperate regions, and without those regulations, what would be to stop young Muslim women from wearing sundresses all year long? In their male dominated culture, Muslim wives rarely leave the house without their husbands. So what would be to stop them from gawking to their hearts content? Even if their wives were present, in their culture, they would not have the right to say anything. Their only defense would be to somehow force these young women to cover up. By putting two and two together, this theory sounds anything but far fetched.

No Catcalls Please

This week’s post by staff writer, Stephanie Becerra, brings up good point about the power of a good or bad compliment. Sometimes, it’s nice to have someone who will make a real effort to get an introduction. What do you think?

As a woman, regardless of our looks, we have all come to expect to be “hollered at” at some point in our daily lives. It is a sad fact that women have to constantly endure unwanted attention in the form of lewd comments and wolf whistles. Some women may be into that. If you are kudos to you. If you are like most of the women I know and do not enjoy being leered at on the train on your way to work or told that you have a “fine ass”, then you understand the predicament of women today. It’s as if normal conversation is dead and there are only pick up lines. Well I’m here to tell you that’s not the case. Some men still put an effort into getting to know a woman and taking her out and eventually, after an established relationship has been set and boundaries have been outlined, will then make the “fine ass” comment.

Guys, if you want to get a girl’s attention or strike up a conversation, do not open with something about her appearance. It’s superficial and does not work most of the time. You’ll just be one of the numerous guys who have used the same line before and been rejected. What women want, or more importantly what I want and am now referring to all women when I speak for myself, is someone who will take a genuine interest in her. Someone who will talk to her and not immediately be thinking of jumping into bed. Interests and relationships take time and cannot be established with a leering at the Red Line or a lewd comment yelled from across the street.

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I Fake Orgasm. Should I Tell Him?

Here is an interesting question posed by staff writer, Rigby Rat. This is something that’s roamed around in the back of the minds of a lot of women over the years. Should I or shouldn’t I…? Well, if you or a friend have ever found yourself in this situation, this post is for you.

No.  Never.  Men would rather lop off a testicle then hear that you faked orgasm.  Men take a woman’s failure to climax personally.  It bruises a guy’s ego when you can’t come.

Listen ladies, if you’re frigid, never fake orgasm.  Instead, fess up.  Fess up way before you even think about spreading those legs.  Why?  Because verbal intimacy should always preclude sexual intimacy.  If you fess up after you’ve had sex, he will mistrust you.  Also, he’ll probably wonder, “If she can lie about the most intimate and precious act a man and a woman can share together, what the hell else is she lying about?”  What, indeed?

Not only that, if you fake orgasm several times and then tell him, he’ll ponder four things: 1. Oh, my god, she doesn’t think I’m going to “fix” her, does she?  2. I don’t know how to fix her.  3. It isn’t my job to fix her.  4.  Adios, have a nice life.

If you tell him up front that you’re frigid, his ego will be intact.  With his ego intact, he’ll be more understanding and patient.  And isn’t that what you want from your lover, understanding and patience?  Sure beats him getting angry, calling you a deceitful, frigid bitch, and then having sex with both your sister AND your best friend.  Now whose ego is bruised?

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