We Went Out Twice. Now He Wants To Take Me On Vacation. What’s That About?

This week’s post by staff writer Rigby Rat gives women a cautionary lesson for moving too fast with someone new. We all picture having a magically moment of being swept off our feet, but that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t be reasonable. We still need the support system of our friends and family to figure it out.

 

In a word, sex.  It’s one of the oldest tricks in the book.   He pays for the lodging, air fare, and the single room.  In return, he expects you to have sex with him.  You still want to board that jet?You hardly know him.  He asks if you want to get away for a few days: the Caribbean. His treat.  You think, “Wow, no hot-looking guy has ever whisked me away for the weekend.  Wait till I tell my posse.”

You arrive at the hotel by noon, finish your oh-so-relaxing hot stone massage by 4:00, and take the last bite of your scrumptious dessert – Duckanoo – at 9:00.  Before you head back to your room, he drinks a little too much at the hotel bar.  In the lobby, a brunette wearing a tight, low-cut dress waits for the elevator.  He smirks, salivates, and stares at her like an addled teenager hooked on porn sites and Gatorade.  You suddenly realize, “In a little while, I’ll be lying in bed next to this jerk!”

Once inside your room, he asks, “You going to slip into something sexy, or what?” Then, he takes his shirt off revealing a back full of pimples.  Now, you definitely don’t want to sleep with him.  (He ain’t looking so hot now, is he?)  You tell him, “I don’t know if I can do this”.  That pushes his button because he’s been rejected before.  Except, you don’t know that – because you don’t know him.   Your thought is to get out of there fast, but you stupidly maxed out your credit cards.  Even if you called your posse for funds, all the hotels are booked and the next flight isn’t until morning.  You feel isolated.  Trapped.

He roughly pushes you onto the bed.  He forces his tongue down your throat.  His breath smells like stale beer and onion rings.  You decide, “It’ll be over soon.”  Minutes later, you realize that you just had intercourse with a virtual stranger.  You cry softly while your assailant sleeps soundly.

You ask, “What if I had been firm and said, ‘No, we’re not doing this’.”   Sometimes that works, sometimes it makes matters worse.  When you turn down the sexual advances of a man you don’t know, there’s a good chance he will feel rejected.  Men whose sexual advances are rejected often become abusive or violent.  So violent, they rape.  Some even kill.

A friend of mine flew from New York to Vegas for a weekend with a guy she barely knew.  They both worked for the same company – he in accounting, she in human resources.  Before she went through security, I tried to convince her to either not go, or book her own room.  She did neither.  When I picked her up late Sunday evening at the airport, designer sunglasses were covering a black eye.  He hit her because she wouldn’t perform oral sex. When I asked if she pressed charges she said, “No.  He told me if I did, he’d make my life miserable at work.  And Rig, I’ll never do anything like that again.”  I put my arm around my friend, gave her a hug, and drove her home.

Nothing in life is free.  Everything comes with a “price” and a lesson.  However, you don’t necessarily have to “pay” for the lesson like my friend did.  She decided – for the future – that she’s going to ask her posse for advice.  Then she’s going to get out her spiral notebook with the flowers on it and write the pros and cons down.  Finally, she’s going to use plain old common sense.  Oh, and she wanted my readers to know this: “If you’re thinking about an all-expenses-paid romantic getaway, consider waiting for the right guy – a guy you know well, respect, and trust – a guy you would be proud to introduce to your spiritual advisor, your family, and especially one you would want to make love to over and over again.”

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Empowering Days of May 2012

I hope yesterday’s Shuistrology teasers post whet your appetite for a wonderful May! Want to know what days to expect the best and brightest bursts of power? Read this post by shuistrologist Ellen Whitehurstlisting May’s empowering days! 

This month combines ideas, ideals and the need to understand how to go beyond manifesting material rewards for the individual only – so that we can embrace the clear guidance and scrumptious good news that comes calling alongside a bunch of days dedicated to nurturance and nourishment.  But these gifts can only come into our present if we can ally with and learn from more experienced, informed and more highly educated people/places/things.  Period.  We must seek guidance in May.  Detailed discussions about needs and priorities are planned for each one of us.  But only if you can move past old habits and let the new times roll.  Then – and then only – will we all rock.  Oh, and if we get good guidance we’ll rock and we’ll roll too – hey, didn’t I just say that?STOP clinging to old habits.

STOP holding on to ingrained attitudes.

START the conscious creating by looking for NEW pathways.

What you’ll find then is the proverbial yellow brick road.  Possibilities (sans partnering flying monkeys) will peek out from everywhere.  The planets promise success if you promise to improvise.  You must, as well, think locally but dream globally.  Coincidence, synergy, heightened synchronicity all fill the middle of the month and they clear away the chaos so you can see the possibility and potential lying underneath.

Potential, possibility and positive synchronicity are what lie both under and ahead this month.  In fact, they are the lights at the end of the metaphorical May tunnel!  Can you dig it?  I hope so.

What I don’t hold out a lot of hope for and certainly don’t even pretend to understand anymore is the stock market.  Spain’s credit gets downgraded – again- and our stock and treasuries rally?  There is so much other information abounding that should see this market moving lower, and, yet, irrational and illogical moves to challenge current day highs seems to be the sentiment in control.  For now though and because I can, I will guess that the markets are stable to sideways until Venus goes into hiding on May 15. In the case of the DJIA all that glitters is not gold.  But if I wanted to own some of the real deal, I’d be a buyer now.  There’s the only silver lining I can find.  Obviously I’m in the minority.

May 3   ………   Mercury the Messenger whispering sweet (and savory!) somethings into the ears of a more than willing Venus.  Calls for a Magically Delicious amorous appetizer methinks.  I’m also thinking you should be cookin’ up same for some friends of yours as well.  Or at least get out and about and enjoying a high time with them.  Tonight would be THAT night.  For the adventurous among you – remember to burn a red candle in the kitchen as you cook so you can be as hot as fire your own self tonight and, then, end the meal with some hot, hot, hot (wink, wink, wink) Café OHHHH LAY!  You’ll need a teaspoon of shelled cardamom seeds, a half cup of cold water and some freshly brewed double strength coffee.  While holding the seeds, strongly visualize your intentions and desires.  Place the cold water and the cardamom seeds in a small saucepan and bring to a full boil.  Boil for two minutes.  Strain the liquid through a standard coffee filter and pour into fresh HOT coffee.  Stir it UP and serve!

May 5   ………   Full Moon in intense and passionate Scorpio eliciting emotional responses on traditionally rowdy Cinco de Mayo.  Maybe a little less tequila and a little more TLC in efforts at quelling and calming the emotional overload?  I call this sacred self-care and today’s tool to do just that is magnesium.  Aside from regulating normal body functions and helping to build bones, magnesium is also an all natural calming agent providing relief for a whole host of potentially upsetting conditions.  As always, before adding any supplement to your diet consult your health care professionals. Keep it cool today and you’ll find the rest of the month only gets a heckuva lot hotter – in a sizzling good way!

May 10   ………   Mercury the Messenger sextiles foggy bottom Neptune making today a cosmically creative kind of day.  Turn your energies towards the arts and drink up all the inspiration in the air.  If you do, you’ll feel like Van GOOOOOOO!!!!!

May 13   ………   TODAY IS SUPER STELLAR DAY and possibly the LUCKIEST DAY OF THE WHOLE YEAR!  Want to know why and how to use these energies to your best and biggest advantage?  Well, you’ll have to be a subscriber to my free monthly newsletter and you can do that at www.ellenwhitehurst.com.  Sign up now and you’ll get really lucky!  REALLY LUCKY!

May 15   ………   Venus goes retrograde until June 27.  Read much more about this Venus transit on today’s blog post at http://ellenwhitehurst.tumblr.com/

May 16   ………   Aggressive warrior planet Mars is trine personally powerful Pluto.  That means that action meets and mates with power in a beautifully blended way today.  Be sure to keep your inside AND outside entryway lights on for at least three consecutive hours today in order to illuminate and invite exciting, action-oriented and power-FULL opportunities right to your door!

May 20   ………   New Moon Solar Eclipse on the same day that the Sun enters Gemini.  Initiate.  Innovate.  Let the new times roll.  Keep confidence in your ideas and your plans and then take them to the next level.  But not before putting NINE RED CANDLES in your FAME area and lighting them for a few minutes today.  Do this for the next two too and ratchet up the heat on your dreams and desires!

May 21   ………   Mercury the Messenger is joining (positively positive) forces with jazzy Jupiter!  If you can dream it (and, then, GROUND IT!) you can live it.  The sky’s the limit – wait – I take that back.  There are NO limits to what you can achieve today.  See yesterday’s candle cure and deja do it all over again.  GO YOU GO!!!

May 23   ………   Uh oh.  Well, you knew it had to happen sooner or later.  The other shoe dropping of course.  Sun squares off against Neptune and it’s hard to make heads or tails of anything, especially reality.  Rather than get all caught up trying to push the water back up the river or trying put the paste back into the tube, why not just take a personal day.  Massage.  Mani-pedi.  Read a book.  Just don’t expect to see the real in any situation today.  Mental health day!  For mentally healthy – and now happy – you!  OR you can change the lightbulb in the main light source in your bedroom.  This could help clear things up too, but, I still lean towards a lazy day.  How about you?

May 25   ………   Now it’s Mercury’s turn to square off against Neptune.  If it sounds to good to be true it DEFINITELY is.  Don’t deal today.  Don’t agree to anything and don’t sign anything either.  Better days and happier endings to come.  I ain’t got no cures for anyone who MUST sign something today.  Not a one.  Sorry.  Just wait.  I promise brighter times to come.  In TWO DAYS.  Just wait.

May 27   ………   Mercury is sextile Uranus and brilliant ideas pour in by the bucket load.  Keep a pad and pen handy or keep your tablet tuned to WORD, because, well, WORD!  Today is chock full of them and some will even earn you additional income.  Or you can write the following Florence Scovel Shinn affirmation nine times today:  three times upon awaking, three more at the mid-day and three more times before you go to bed.  As always remember your intention and the red pen too.  “Let me NOW express the Divine Idea in my mind, body and affairs.”  The ultimate ‘expressway’ so put your pedal to that mettle and start your engines!

May 28   ………   Happy Memorial Day!  With the Sun sextile Uranus nobody should rain on your parade.  It’s an enthusiastic day and you should find family and friends ready to rally!  Wear red.  You can add the white and the blue to balance and be in the flow, but, just be sure you don the daring and wear red.  You’ll be on fire if you do!  FUEGO!  Buenas dias!

May 30   ………   Mercury the Messenger squaring off against an irritated, annoyed and aggressive Mars.  Don’t say a word.  Unless you back a few days to May 27 and say that Scovel Shinn affirmation all the day long.  Otherwise, keep it zipped.  OR don’t say I didn’t warn you!

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Navigating the Bar Scene

Here’s a great article by new staff writer, Diana Peterson, about tips on navigating the bar scene. Read, share, comment!

Trouble meeting men online and want to try it the old-fashioned way?  Read these tips before you and your girlfriends head out.

  • Ditch the Wolf Pack: Go out in groups of two.  You’ll be more approachable.
  • Single Ladies Only: Leave your married and on the way to married friends at home.  They may be great friends, but they don’t make great wing women.
  • Don’t Show Too Much Skin: Sure having the girls out on display will buy you a lot of drinks, but it’s not going to find you a long-term man.  You don’t have to cover up completely – just keep it classy ladies.
  • Give Him Room: There’s a cute guy across the bar and you think he’s coming this way.  Politely ask your friends to give you a little breathing room, so he’ll feel more comfortable approaching you.
  • Make the First Move: You’ve been making eyes all night, but he’s not coming over.  Remedy that – Make the first move yourself.
  • One Drink Minimum: You’re more likely to get a drink if you already have one in your hand.  On that note –
  • Stay Buzzed: Don’t get drunk. Sure it’ll make it easier to talk to men and cure your shyness. But it also leaves you uninhibited and emotional. You may say something you wish you hadn’t, or worse.
  • Watch Your Drink: So this is an obvious one that your mother probably warned you about, but I’ll say it again.  Watch your drink.  Take your drink into the bathroom if you must.  Do not leave anything unattended.
  • Location: Sitting or standing?  Bar stools or tables?  Always make sure to find a spot with a good view of the bar, particularly the entrance.  This way you can spot a hot man right when he enters and make your move before the other girls.  Sitting isn’t a table isn’t a good idea, unless you’re at a tall table.  It makes you harder to approach.  Sitting at the bar is not advised if it’s a crowded bar because all the action will be happening behind you.  On the other hand, if you’re at a less crowded bar, a hotel bar or out alone, the bar can be a very good bet.  Standing is your best bet in a crowded bar because it gives you the most access and movement.
  • Exit Strategy: You don’t need a formal code or SOS signals to get out of talking to a guy you don’t like.  You can be direct and politely excuse yourself.
  • Stay Together: Always keep an eye on your girlfriends.  If she’s talking to a guy and looks uncomfortable, rescue her.  You came together; make sure you go home together.
  • Watch for Red Flags: He wants to buy you a drink, then he wants to buy you a shot and why haven’t you finished your drink yet?  He’s married, but it’s just a paper marriage for his wife’s green card.  You just saw him hit on every woman at the bar, but now he’s smiling at you.  Use your common sense.  Know the signs.  If a man seems too good to be true: he is.  If you don’t know the signs—
  • Read the Game: This is required reading for all women.  It’s a book that details tactics to hit on and seduce women.  Trust me ladies, those tricks work.  Know when you’re being played.
  • Know Yourself: The more you know about who you are and what you want, the easier it will be to spot a potential mate at the bar.  A woman who knows what she wants is a powerful thing.

Where To Go… Now that you’ve got the basics down, it’s time to time to figure out where to go.  This can be overwhelming if you’re in a big city like Los Angeles or New York, but don’t worry.  I can help you narrow it down. Clubs There are a lot of basic downsides to clubs: crowds, long lines, expensive cover charges, and long bathroom lines, but really the problem is the men.  The kind of man you’re going to meet at a club is just after sex.  I know, you’ve all heard the story about your friends’ friend who found her husband at the club.  There are exceptions to every rule, but generally speaking you will not find your man at the club.  Why?  The noise level – it’s impossible to have a real conversation, so everything must rest on the physical.  As for the dancing – well dancing is fun and all, but dancing is about sex.  And most dancing styles are about mimicking sex.  So you’re going from “Hi, nice to meet you” straight to sex.  Go to the club for a girls’ night out, find a man with a table and enjoy free drinks all night long… just don’t go looking for a relationship. Lounges/Bars Now a lounge with a dance floor – that’s a different story.  Why?  Well, it’s quieter for one.  Also, you have the option of sitting down or standing by the bar.  Maybe even going outside if there’s an outdoor patio.  The key is the ability to talk.  You’ll have the best chance of talking to a man in a lounge or bar.  So how do you find the right spot?

  • Ratio: You want to find a bar that has a 3:1 ratio of men to women.  Those are the best odds.  If you’re in NYC you can find that through the Mingle NYC app which breaks down the ratios of men and women at places throughout the city.  If you can’t do that, then you have to rely on yelp.
  • Demographic: Know your demographic, it will affect which bars you go to.  If you’re looking for men that do a certain type of work go to happy hour near their place of business.  IE: If you’re in Manhattan and you want a corporate guy you go to happy hour in midtown or Wall Street.  If you’re looking for an artist you go to Williamsburg.  Google and yelp for bars in your area with keywords for what you’re looking for.

Remember: There is no right bar to find a man.  Men are everywhere.  Finding the right bar is simply about getting closer to finding the right man.  And for all you know, your stockbroker could be hanging out at TGI Fridays during happy hour.  You do your best to prepare, then work with what you’ve got.

 

About the writer:  Diana grew up watching a lot of television. Her great life lessons on morality were gleaned off shows like “90210”(the original) and Lifetime movies—Tori Spelling featured prominently in her life.  Diana didn’t read much.  In fact, she couldn’t actually read until sometime between the first and third grade (but she was really good at cheating on spelling quizzes).  She liked to make up stories and figured better to write them down then pawn them off as true—that had gotten her into trouble.  When Diana grew up she attended UCLA’s School of Theater, Film and Television, majoring in Screenwriting.  She’s worked in television ever since.

 

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