Letting Go

This week staff writer Stephany Salinas discusses “letting go” in relationships. Do you agree, disagree? What’s your story?

 

The other day, I read in a men’s book that I have a “Mother Goose” personality type. I am a natural nurturer and am always doing things to please others. The type of men I typically go for are “project” men, or bad boys. There was a lot more to it, and reading the entire section was brutal. It wasn’t disturbing in the sense that it was right, it was more so disturbing how it made me sound as a person. While reading, I consciously agreed with nearly every sentence. After I was done, I noticed how weak and conforming it made me sound. So I thought about it, and how right it was, and decided that this week’s entry was going to be about letting go.

 

Deciding whether or not to stay with someone can be one of the hardest things to do in life. It’s very easy to get caught up in a relationship, or whatever it is you’re in, and blind yourself to the unfair way you are being treated. The decision to let go of someone boils down to two things: Change (or lack thereof) and uncertainty.

 

Change:

 

One of the most common problems in relationships is one person trying to change the other. I’ve had men try to change me, and I’ve also been guilty of trying to change a man. You can’t. Not only can’t you, you shouldn’t. If someone wants to change, it’s something they must do on their own. You can’t pressure them into it. You can’t help speed up the process. It’s something they must do on their own time, at their own pace. You mustn’t give them an ultimatum, because that will only confuse them even more. If they think you’re worth the change, it’ll happen, but never assume that they’re going to.

 

Change is a tricky thing, and something that we all go through. It’s nothing to be upset about. That’s life. However, walking away or taking a step back from someone who is going through change doesn’t mean that you don’t care. It simply means you are strong enough and willing to put your wants and desires aside, and let them figure out what they need to do. It’s one of the hardest, most selfless things you can do.

 

Having the courage to let go of something you cannot change is something few women are strong enough to do.

 

 

Uncertainty:

 

This is the part where you decide what it is you want in a significant other/relationship. Once you decide on that, you need to find out if the person you are with can give you that. And if more isn’t what this person can give you at the moment, you need to make a tough, executive decision. You can stick it out and hope for the best, risking heartbreak and potential disappointment. Or, you can walk away. And when I say walk away, I don’t mean drop them out of your lives completely (although, in some cases it may be healthier). Sometimes, these people are genuinely lost and just need someone to be there. Not in a sense of a significant other, but a companion nonetheless. If you still care, make sure to offer your words, advice, and a shoulder to cry on, for one day it might be you who is going through change.

 

And if you want to stick around…

 

There is no shame in that. Sometimes these things just feel right. Sometimes, you need to make the mistake before you learn. Be careful. Like Gotye says, “You can be addicted to a certain kind of sadness.”

 

Letting go is never easy.

 

It’s easy is falling into the routine of being the caretaker. It comes with compassion and empathy, which can be blessings and curses.

 

Don’t get taken advantage of, because at the end of the day, you need to take care of yourself.

 

The Quickest Way To A Man’s Heart

Staff writer Stephany Salinas discusses the subject of cooking and the modern woman and the need of balance of things to offer in a relationship.

 

“I will tell you what all you modern hipster chicks are afraid to admit and what nobody but your grandmother or your gay best friend will tell you… Every man wants to be married to a 1950s housewife… minus the racism.”

 

I heard this quote about a month or two ago when the CBS show “Partners” (which is now canceled) was on. What happened was the main character’s fiancée was questioning why she had to cook when she was a working woman. Also, let me state, she didn’t know HOW to cook. Which was another part of the problem. So her gay best friend tells her the quote above, in hopes of getting her to cook for him, thus putting a little more spark into the relationship.

 

Now, I’ll admit, the quote itself does sound a little bit male-chauvinistic. However, when you actually think about it, it makes complete and total sense. And maybe it’s just the way I was brought, but a woman who can’t cook? What?!

 

It blows my mind when a girl says she can’t cook or hates cooking, but takes pride in the fact that she can drink a case of beer and not be drunk. She can down multiple shots of tequila, but she can’t marinate a piece of chicken.

 

Honestly, I’m sick of girls who say that “we live in 2012, and times are different.” Having a bachelor’s degree isn’t an excuse for doing something women have been doing for centuries. And sure, maybe I’m just old fashioned, I mean, it IS the 21st century. However, I just can’t wrap my head around a man cooking for me every day/night. I feel like part of my womanhood would be taken away from me. I imagine it be similar to be fixing the sink or working on my car. Should every girl be capable of doing these things herself? Absolutely. Is it extremely attractive when a girl can change her own oil or fix a flat? Definitely! Men love that! BUT, as a man, how would you feel if every time something was wrong with your car, your girlfriend fixed it? Imagine your girlfriend knowing more about your vehicle than you do? Doesn’t that seem a little emasculating? Like if a woman had to open that tough jar of pickles for you. And women, if a guy cooked for you every night (with the exception of chefs), wouldn’t you feel slightly less feminine?

 

It just seems like the women of today like to complain a lot about men and their behavior, but do nothing to change their own.

 

Listen sweetheart, if you want a man that can fix your car, look good naked, is romantic and creative, and whatever the hell else you want, then you should probably work on having some sort of qualities to offer him, too. And no, sorry, having a career does not justify that. If you’re looking for all of those qualities in a man, you can bet your ass that men are doing the same. They want a girl who can cook. They want a girl who can nurture. For every mother that has raised her son properly, there is a male who wants to marry a woman who can do the same.

 

For example, my dad is a handyman and a half. He can fix anything, anytime, anywhere. He works full time, yet still finds the time to fix up our house, keep our cars maintained, have time to sit and watch the football game. So it’s no wonder why I love when a man can fix things for me. I was raised with a male figure that was able to do all of that. I imagine it would be the same if I were a guy raised in my household. My mother was a SUPER mom. She worked full time, made dinner every night, made me lunch every day, and still managed to keep our house clean and be a great wife. And not because she had to, but because she wanted to be the best mom/wife, and in our eyes, she was. She’s the reason why I cook (although, I’m not the best, I still try), like to be clean, and am a pretty damn good nurturer when it comes to relationships. Have I always enjoyed cooking? No. 18-year-old Stephany hated it. But the older I got, the more positive reactions I got from men I dated whenever I cooked, and that made me feel amazing. I’ve had multiple boyfriends/guys I’ve seen tell me that they love when I cooked for them. I had boyfriends actually tell me that a girl had NEVER cooked for them before. WHAT?!

 

So, call me old fashioned, but I honestly think women, by default, should know how to cook. If men get to be sexy mechanics and handymen, then be the girl who can make the kitchen sexy. What’s wrong with being a strong-willed woman with a career, that ALSO knows how to cook, keeps her place clean, and knows how to take care of her man? Is that so wrong? Is that weak? No. It’s being able to do one of the things that women can do best: multitask.

 

Or, you can sit in your office and complain to your co-workers about how there are “no good guys left”.  But when you’re sitting alone at home wondering why guys don’t like you, ask yourself what YOU have to offer them, not just what they have to offer you. Love and relationships are two-way streets, and there’s never room to be selfish.

 

Liquid Courage

This week staff writer Stephany Salinas discusses and gives advice about picking someone up in the dating/bar scene.

 

Recently, I moved to the amazing city of Chicago. As is tradition, I started frequenting bars, trying to get to know the scene and venturing out to meet new faces. The first month or so was amazing. I met new men everywhere, and it was fun seeing new people, not the same townie crowd as usual. (Although, I still love my townie crowd. Sometimes, you wanna go where everybody knows your name, right?).

 

However, as the weekends passed by, I started noticing a pattern that was all too familiar. You walk into a bar, and men will stare at you for a good duration of the night. You make awkward eye contact and exchange small smirks. Then, about an hour and a half later, homeboy will finally approach you and try to strike up a conversation. This is good, right?

 

Wrong. Once his brutal beer breath hits you, you realize that Prince Charming is hammered, and needed “Liquid Courage” to come up and talk to you, which he is failing miserably at right now because he can barely articulate.

 

Now, if what you’re looking for is a one-night stand with a random girl, ignore everything I’m about to say. Do you. 

 

Men, and I’m sure this goes for women as well, please do us all a favor and stop getting so train wrecked! Maybe it’s because I’ve matured a bit in the last year, but seeing a guy who is hammered, being obnoxious, and decides to hit on me while incoherent, is one of the biggest, if not the number one, turn off’s EVER. And I’m not sure if your intention is to just sleep with a girl, or actually meet a potential significant other, but either way, it’s annoying. If you managed to take home a girl when you’re on the brink of blacking out, congratulations. You just picked yourself a girl that probably used you for the same reason. And if that’s what your goal is, then by all means, good for you. But don’t go around complaining that you can’t seem to find a “good girl” anywhere.

 

A good girl isn’t going home with you when you can barely pronounce your own address to the cab driver. Control yourselves. Get it together.

 

Here’s my theory: Some men (as well as some women) need the “liquid courage” in order to be able to talk to a girl because they can’t handle rejection. Kind of like how men felt the need to create the “friend-zone”. It’s easier to handle rejection when you don’t face it directly. You get drunk enough to the point that you don’t care if this girl talks to you or not, because you’ll just take home a different girl. Until you wake up the next morning and realize what you did, and (possibly) feel like a scumbag, once again. Or maybe you don’t. Like I said, if a one-night stand is what you were aiming for, then by all means, good for you. Nothing wrong with that. I’m not here to judge.

 

Bottom line, men, is that if you want to talk to me, or any girl at the bar, just do so. If I’m a complete bitch to you, and decide to shut you down brutally, then there’s a good chance you shouldn’t be talking to me anyways, because I’m probably a douchebag. NOW, if I don’t accept your drink or just end the conversation without being an ass, then move along and go talk to another girl. I’ve never once told a sober guy to “go away” or acted like I was better than him, regardless of what he looked like. A simple, “No, thank you” does the trick.

 

Being one of the only guys able to carry on a conversation when you’re surrounded by belligerent bros is going to be a huge advantage. I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve caught myself talking to the less attractive, yet sober, friend, because he was able to joke, people watch, or actually converse with me.

 

Control yourself. Moderation can be a beautiful thing.

 

All she wants for Christmas is you..to pay attention!

This week, staff writer Stephany Salinas discusses how to get it right for Christmas.

 

Holidays are right around the corner, and I’ve already been approached by male friends asking what they should get for that special someone.

Should I get her jewelry? Clothes? A Louis Vuitton purse? Coach?

Well, for some women, all of the above would be ideal, and I honestly couldn’t tell you if those are the right or the wrong gifts. If my boyfriend bought me a Coach purse, I wouldn’t be super excited about it, but I would definitely not be mad about it, either.

However, for a lot of girls, it’s more about the creativity of the gift. I know, I know, “Oh no, you mean I actually have to think about it?”

To put it simple, yes. If we see effort, and not just money, put into the gift, we are that much more appreciative of it.

Let me give you an example. I’ve gotten many gifts over the years. Necklaces, jewelry, stuffed animals, gift cards, etc. You name the typical boyfriend gift, and I got it. After all the years, the stuffed animals got put/thrown away. The necklaces got tucked in a jewelry drawer, the purses thrown away, the rings were given back, and everything was gone.

NOW. One Christmas, a few years back, my boyfriend at the time went all out. And not all out as in dropping money or making it rain, but got me gifts that I actually needed/want.

I was in college, and my printer was terrible. BOOM, brand new printer with Bluetooth capability, so I can print from anywhere in my apartment. At the time, I was taking 21 credit hours. BOOM. Here’s a huge George Foreman grill so you can make dinner quicker and easier. Not only store-bought things, but he also made a picture booklet of pictures of us throughout the time we had known each other. It was the cutest thing I had ever seen in my life. On top of that, he made…MADE..a snow globe with a picture of us in it. I couldn’t take these items anywhere, and I couldn’t show them off when I went out, but every night before I went to bed, I shook that snow globe and smiled.

Last but not least, my major was Music Business. He bought me an adorable eighth notes music necklace that I still wear to this very day. Not because there are still feelings there, and not because it’s such an extravagant piece of jewelry that I MUST show it off, but because it represents a part of who I am. I love music, grew up on it, studied it, and majored in it. Music has and always will be a part of my life, and for him to incorporate that into a gift meant the world to me.

So gentlemen, instead of asking other people what you should get your girlfriend, do yourself a favor and pay attention to her. As her boyfriend, you should know her better than most people. There are so many things you can get, that finding something that will mean something to her shouldn’t be a problem, especially if it’s something that comes from the, you guessed it, heart.

Good luck! ❤

Chivalry is almost extinct…

This week staff writer Stephany Salinas covers the subject of chivalry. Read on and tell us your thoughts!

 

…and women are the ones to blame.

That’s right. Listen up ladies, because here’s a harsh reality check.

For those of you who claim that “Chivalry is dead” and that “gentleman don’t exist”, there’s a really good chance that you’re part of the problem.

It begins with standards and ends with ungratefulness. As a woman, I will admit I don’t know what the hell I want. One day I want a sexy, career-driven man in a suit to take me out to a fancy dinner, and the next day I want a guy in a beanie and plaid shirt to take me to a local show in the city. The difference between me and a lot of unfortunate women out there: I’m okay with being alone, and I appreciate the hell out of genuine gestures.

Loneliness:

As for being okay with being alone, I didn’t used to be. In fact, I hated being alone. Before 2012, I hadn’t been single for more than a month in years. And not because I was dating one guy, but because I jumped from relationship to relationship. It wasn’t until the end of 2011/beginning of 2012 that I realized it was possible to be single and not be miserable. So I had fun. I went on two dates with two amazing guys (both were extremely chivalrous), and realized that for once I didn’t want to be in a relationship. I wasn’t ready to rush into anything yet. For once, it was ME who didn’t want it, and it felt great! But after being with a guy who treated me like garbage, to seeing what it was like to be treated like a lady…it was extremely eye opening. From that point on, I made it my goal to not settle for anything less than butterflies (how cheesy), or anyone who didn’t treat me anything other than amazing. So, thank you boys. You know who you are.

And ladies, when I say being treated amazing, I’m not talking about someone who takes you to 5-star restaurants or drives you around in his Jaguar. I’m talking about an all around good guy who will open doors for you (car doors included), be hospitable, and a downright gentleman. Someone who will take you out for coffee or dinner because he wants to make you happy.

So where does the fault of the woman come in? We settle. Why do we settle? Because the thought of settling and lowering our standards sounds better than being alone. So instead of waiting just a tad bit longer for the good guy to come around and sweep you off of your feet, you settle for Douchebag McAsshat. You know, the guy who won’t take you out on a date. The guy who doesn’t really care about you, but will keep you around because you have boobs and smell nice. This is probably the same guy who will never love you, but you feel the need to “win” his love because you want to be “The Exception”.

Ever hear a guy say, “Nice guys finish last”? This is part of what he is talking about. We settle for less than what we deserve, and then run around asking, “where did all the nice guys go?” Want to know where all the nice guys went? They’re busy. They’re busy getting their hopes crushed by those of us who settle. I’m guilty of it, and there’s a very good chance you are too. Stop sleeping with the men who won’t even open a car door for you. Don’t hook up with someone who isn’t proud to call you his girlfriend. Quit driving yourself crazy over someone who won’t even buy you coffee.

There are 3.5 BILLION men on this planet. It’s entirely possible to find a gentleman who will treat you right. So stop settling! Lack of gratitude. Good. Lord. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve seen a guy open a door for a girl, only for it to go unnoticed. Like it’s expected of a man to do it. Granted, a little piece of me does expect the door to get opened for me, but I’m not going to assume that every man is going to do it. And when it DOES happen, you can bet your ass that I’m giving this guy a huge “Thank you so much!” and a big smile, so he knows that he just made my day.

I dated a guy who opened car doors for me, always paid, and always picked me up, even if we were going back to his house. And not a day went by where I didn’t say thank you or some form of gratitude. It was amazing, genuine, and kind of him. He didn’t have to, but he did. And I wanted him to know that I appreciated it.

So ladies, I’m not asking you to sleep with every guy who opens the car door for you, but show some appreciation. Genuine gratitude will take you a long way, I promise!

 

So knock it off with the “Chivalry is dead” crap. It’s very much alive. You’re just focusing on the wrong men.

 

But What If I Don’t Like Him…?

This week, staff writer Stephany Salinas writes about going out on a date even when you’re not quite into the other person.

 

In the last 2 years, I’ve been on a total of three dates.

Three.

So, I constantly get asked (no joke) by men, mainly my friends, why it is that I haven’t been out on a date lately? “It can’t possibly be a lack of options or being asked, right?”

Correct. I, just like many MANY other girls, do get asked out a decent amount. So, why not just go out fancy dates with guys? So what if you don’t like them, you’re still getting a free meal out of it, right?

And there lies the problem. I’m the kind of girl who won’t let a stranger buy me a drink, because I suddenly feel like I owe him. Whether it be my number, a dance, or something of the sort. And honestly, I’d rather buy my own drink than having to give my number to some guy I’m not really into, only to have to ignore his texts or constantly make up excuses for not wanting to go out with him.

Then, I have people saying, “Well, how do you know you aren’t going to enjoy the date?” They’re right. I don’t know that. However, I would personally rather go through wondering if I would have enjoyed it or not, than have to break it to him that I’m just not that into him. I would feel like HE would think I was using him, which is the last thing I’d ever want to do to anyone, because I know what it feels like to be used myself.

NOW. All that being said, I’ve heard opposing arguments. I’ve had guys (friends, of course) tell me that they genuinely just enjoy taking girls out on dates. They like being able to act like a gentleman (crazy, I know!), and be able to wine and dine a pretty girl. I literally had a guy friend say, “I just love going on dates.  I’m a chronic date goer”.

This blew my mind. The fact that there are guys out there who are okay with a girl NOT wanting a follow up date blows my mind. I feel like it’s unnatural for a male to have put in the effort to dress up, pick up a girl, take her to dinner (or whatever cheesy cute date he came up with), drop her off at home, and not expect anything after. No sex, no kiss, not even a second date. To know that guys like this exist just totally turns my theory of them being upset about it upside down.

SO, I guess what I’m trying to get at is the opinion’s of others. Other men that are NOT my close/best guy friends. They could be bias, and just telling me these things because they don’t want me to feel bad. Or they could be legit. I have no idea. But I would LOVE to know what everyone else thinks. Men and women, actually.

Women, do you feel guilty after a date if you aren’t into the guy?

And men, do you get genuinely upset if a woman is not into you after you’ve wined and dined her for a night?

 

I’m Saving Myself

This week’s post by staff writer Stephany Salinas discusses the subject of saving sex for marriage. Do you agree? Disagree?

 

 

No sex before marriage.

Raise your hand if you are waiting until marriage to have sex.

I’m assuming not many of you did. 

This is a concept I’ve never been able to understand. Granted, I’m not a very religious girl, so maybe that’s why, but I do know of people who have waited simply because they wanted to, not because some religion directed it. Personally, this sounds absolutely dangerous to me. I mean, I’m not exactly one to go around and sleep with randoms, but sleeping with one person, ever? And that’s not even what blows my mind the most. It’s  more the fact that someone is waiting until marriage, the biggest commitment of them all, in order to do it. Literally.

Regardless of what anyone says, sex is important. Have you ever had sex and just weren’t really into it? Yeah, me too. I don’t get how anyone can risk finding something like that out AFTER you’ve already committed your life to this person. Now, I know, if you “love” someone, the sex should come naturally and you SHOULD bond and have that connection. I don’t know about all that.

I dated a guy a while ago that I thought I was in love with. And I was, at the time. When we had sex, it was awful! I hated it. And ultimately, I think that had a lot to do with why I fell out of love. There was no physical connection there, and the lack of it totally turned me off from the relationship (among other things, but it was a huge part of it!).

Then, there was a guy I dated a while back that I wasn’t in love with. I liked him, and I cared about him, but ultimately I just didn’t love him. Our personalities were so different, and quite frankly, he was weird. I’m almost positive I dated him strictly because I was physically attracted to him. The sex was great.

So, while sex and love are “supposed” to be linked together, I don’t think they always are. And I think it’s when you find that one person that you’re absolutely crazy about in and out of the bedroom that you realize, hey, this works. I like this.

And I’ve heard people say, “It’s not about the sex, it’s about love”. Okay, well, if sex wasn’t such an important part of love, why would you wait until marriage in the first place?

Yeah. Exactly.

And sorry to say it sister, but if you’re saying it’s not about sex, there’s a very good chance you’re a virgin. Or a freak. And not the kinky kind. Imagine saving yourself until marriage, and finally getting to do it, and you don’t click. Then what? Are you supposed to spend the rest of your life having mediocre sex with someone because you already married them? Do you go on with your life thinking that’s it? Does your temptation/curiosity get the best of you…eventually leading to cheating?

All of it just seems so..sad.

I’m not saying it’s wrong. Some people want to save themselves for marriage. By all means, do your thing, do you boo boo. I guess I just don’t grasp the concept of being kept in the dark about something until after it’s too late to back out. Granted, there is such thing as divorce, but..would you want to get a divorce and have the reason be “the sex sucked!”?

Probably not.

I would love to  know what other people think about this. Are you saving yourself? Do you know someone who is/has? Is this important to you? Am I nuts for thinking sex is a big part of love and marriage, and something that should be explored BEFORE marriage?

I’m “The Other Woman”

This week’s post by staff writer Stephany Salinas covers the situation of being “the other woman”. Have you ever been the other woman?

 

A tale all too familiar.

Girl likes boy. Boy likes girl. Boy has girlfriend.

Wait..WHAT?!

Oh yeah. I can’t even count the amount of times I’ve heard of women falling for a guy who has a girlfriend/wife..or have even done so myself. *Guilty*

“But Stephany, he REALLY DOES like me, and he’s totally going to break up with her. He’s just trying to figure out HOW to break up with her. It takes time!”

Really? No. Getting your citizenship takes time. Building up your credit takes time. Breaking up with someone that you supposedly no longer have feelings for does NOT take time. Nothing good comes out of being “The Other Woman”. In fact, one of two things will happen:

1. Dude will leave his lady.

Fine, let’s say homeboy IS really thinking about breaking things off with the significant other. He breaks up with her, and then comes running to you, his “soul mate”. Now, at what point do you stop and let it sink in that this guy was CHEATING ON HIS GIRLFRIEND with you. And you, you’re probably sitting here thinking that you’re the “exception”. No, he would never cheat on you. Of course not. Why would he? He already left this poor girl for you. Who’s to say that he isn’t going to turn around and do the same EXACT thing to you? Would it really be so easy for you to trust someone that broke his last girlfriends trust..right in front of you? I can tell you right now from experience that no, not EVERYONE who has cheated is going to cheat again. However, most will. Why would you put yourself through that? Sounds like drunken arguments just waiting to happen -_-

2. Dude isn’t going anywhere.

I’ve been in this situation MULTIPLE times. Always the “better” option, but never good enough to leave their girlfriend for. Which, unlike a lot of people, I have a conscious, and stay away from scumbags likes that. I have only messed around/seen one guy who had a girlfriend, and that was more of a revenge thing. TOTALLY different story. Either way, I had plenty of opportunities to hook up/date guys who already had significant others. Plenty of chances to be the “secret”. They weren’t leaving their steady and safe girlfriends anytime soon, and I knew that.

Let me tell you something right now. You should NOT be a secret. If a man ever hides you, run. You’re beautiful, and you deserve to have a guy who is willing to be proud of the fact that he landed a hottie like yourself. There is no way you can ever justify a man that is hiding you or your title. A man will tell you whatever you want to hear in the heat of the moment. Remember that next time he tells you he loves YOU, and NOT his girlfriend. You know, that girl that’s plastered all over his Facebook page that he introduces all of his friends to.

 

Ladies, this is short and sweet, because it’s something that does NOT need to be discussed. For anyone who has seen “He’s Just Not That Into You“, Mary argues this “other woman” debate by saying, “What if you meet the love of your life, are you supposed to let them pass you by?”

I’m not saying throw him out of your life, but do you really want the potential drama of being the other woman on your plate? Or, would you rather be patient and find a guy who’s willing to be with you, and JUST you, because you’re woman enough for him.

I’m not saying every guy you date has to put you up on a pedestal, but he should be just as crazy about you as you are about him.

It’s only fair, right?

Exactly. Dump the cheating loser, and find yourself a real man.

 

“If you love them, let them go…”

This week’s post by staff writer Stephany Salinas gives her in depth opinion of the old “catch and release” adage: “if you love them, let them go”.

..is something I would say about a butterfly. Or perhaps a puppy that I couldn’t keep in my house.

Not. About. A. Person.

And I’m not sure if it’s the quote itself that bugs me, or the fact that I see it EVERYWHERE, as if it was some form of amazing piece of advice or inspirational idea.

Let me quickly explain what this quote is saying:

When you love someone, and you can’t give him or her what you think would make him or her happy, you should let them go and give them the opportunity to find someone who will make them happy.

WHAT?!

“Awww, how romantic!

No. That’s not romantic, stop that. In fact, that’s the opposite of romantic. If romance had an evil twin, it would be just that.

Sorry to break it to you sweetheart, but if someone is willing to let you go, they’re just not that into you. Personally, if I love someone, I’ll do whatever the hell it takes to be with them. With my exes, I’ve stuck through their tough times, helped them with problems, finances, and more. I’ve been through the mental breakdowns and changing of lifestyles. Was it easy? Absolutely not. Sometimes, I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to do it. However, I knew that if I didn’t, I would lose the person I was with, and that wasn’t an option. When I care about someone, I don’t see their flaws or problems as trouble or stress, I see these things as something I can help them with, which is part of the job description when you care about someone. If someone is using their flaws/problems as to why they can’t be with you, or why they aren’t good enough for you, please remember that these are just other terms for “excuses”. We all have flaws, we all have problems, and every single one of us has had an excuse for something.

See, when I fall for someone (which has become a rarity due to past experiences), I strive to be the person that deserves him and will make him happy. If they aren’t willing to do the same, then there’s something wrong with this picture.

Loving someone and letting them go is something your parents do. They raise you, they love you, they want to see you grow and prosper, and do better things with your life.

Being in love with someone is COMPLETELY different. 

When you’re IN love with someone, you will do whatever it takes to BE what’s best for him or her. Think about it. If you genuinely care about someone, and want him or her in your life, wouldn’t you do what it took to keep him or her there? Unless they’re asking you to free fall from space (shout out to Felix) or climb Mount Everest, I like to think that most of the time, it’s not that difficult of a task, especially when you know they care about you as well.

So listen to me when I say that if someone is willing to let you walk out of his or her lives, then go. Don’t make excuses. Don’t justify their actions and try to romanticize them. And when they say they miss you, keep in mind that the only reason why they do is because they CHOSE to let you go.

 

A Friend’s Opinion: A Powerful Influence

This week’s post by staff writer Stephany Salinas covers the “friend quotient” of relationships.

 

About a week ago, I talked to a friend of mine who told me the story of a recent breakup. Let me summarize it for you:

My friend and his lady had been dating for a couple of years. Towards the end of their relationship, she started asking her friends if she should continue being with him. Her friends weren’t very supportive of the relationship (not sure why…no details), so they told her to get rid of him. And she did. Supposedly, my friend and she were in a good place and were both very happy. So he asked, “Why would she listen to her friends, if she even said things were going good?”

Good question. I have answers.

Let me start off by saying that as a woman in the 21st century, I, and many other women, are constantly surrounded by pressures of being an “independent” woman. I am woman, hear me roar. I am strong, and can take on any obstacle that is thrown at me. What we don’t like to admit is that many of us actually NEED support. We need to hear that what we’re doing is right/okay and that our friends/family are right there behind us. This goes for society in general. We like hearing that our ideas are good, and that we should go for them. I mean, haven’t you ever told someone, “You know what, I’m thinking about switching my major”, or, “I kind of like this color shirt instead of this one”, followed by a, “What do YOU think?”

That being said, I’ve broken down the “Why ask my friends for advice on a decision” question down to two different answers: Docility and Reassurance.

Docility:

Unfortunately, there are those types of people who are easily influenced by those around them. However, how many of us haven’t been that way at one point or another in our lives?

Here’s a situation I’m sure everyone has witnessed or been in themselves and some point; being the only girl in a relationship in your group of friends. Now, when this happens, it’s very easy to become influenced by your friends. I mean, they get to go out, meet new guys, get numbers…it’s all so exciting! And you, well, you get to cuddle with the same guy every night.

It’s normal to feel like that. I mean, the grass is always greener on the other side, right? However, you have to sit back and ask yourself if that’s really what you would want, or if it’s just the appeal and excitement that makes you jealous. Your single friends may not act like it, but they’re all secretly jealous that you have someone to go home to every night. Greener grass.

That being said, a girl who is docile will hear what her friends have to say to her (because let’s be honest…most women will give advice/opinions even when we aren’t asked) and consider everything, regardless of how well the relationship is going. Her friends will point certain things out, and suddenly she will see things in a different light. She’ll say things like, “You know, I never noticed that…you’re right!” And before you know it, she’s imagining what life would be like single again.

Trust me, I know this because I was there. After a while, I cut those kinds of girlfriends out of my life. To be honest, I am very easily influenced. Maybe not completely docile, but to an extent, docile indeed. That’s why I surround myself with people I trust and that I know have my best interest in their minds when giving me advice, not their own. And unfortunately, many girls don’t realize that this is the change that needs to happen, especially if you know you are easy to persuade.

Reassurance:

Oh, reassurance. Who doesn’t like having someone support his or her decisions? You want to change your major? I completely agree, I think you should definitely quit your finance major and pursue your dream of becoming the next Van Gogh. You think you should break up with him? I totally agree! Dump the loser!

It’s the whole reason we even ASK in the first place. Think about it. From asking what you should get for dinner, to the ultimate “Should I break up with him?”

So you give your friend a list of reasons as to why you’re unhappy. But then you turn around and try to justify some of those reasons. In reality, most of us don’t go bragging to our single girlfriends about all the awesome and nice things our boyfriends have done for us. Instead, we go to them when things are going bad, so all they see are the negatives. So when you come to them with the “should I leave him?” question, they are pretty quick to say “Absolutely!”

So we go back to the original question. Why do we ask in the first place? Because we already know the answer. We just want to hear someone else say it’s a good idea.

*Guilty*

A couple of years ago, I had to make a major relationship decision. I thought I was going to marry this guy. I knew I was going to marry him. However, something didn’t feel right. I was having second thoughts, and after a few weeks, I knew I wasn’t into it anymore. I didn’t want to get married at the age of 23. Not to him, or anyone. I also knew that the relationship wasn’t going so well anymore. Comfortability became a huge thing, and it was, well, boring. So I talked to my mom and my best friends. They all said the same thing. “If you feel it’s right, then do it. Do what makes you happy, and I support you!”

Boom. Support noted. Reassurance attained. So I broke it off, and I was happy. Did I NEED anyone to tell me it was the right decision? No. I knew it was, and I knew it was what I wanted. But part of us says, “get a second opinion”.

 

 

It’s hard to break out of either of these habits. I know, because I’ve only recently tried to break out of it myself. I still talk to my closest girlfriends about relationships and my dating life, but in the end I never ask what I should do. I only take their advice into consideration, but in the end it’s me asking myself what I really want.

Because if you barely know what you want, how can you honestly expect others to know?