I Have a Healthy Sex Drive and I’m Not Ashamed of It

I’ve always been fascinated with sex from a fairly early age. I basically inhaled romance novels growing up through my high school years fantasizing what it would be like to have someone who wanted me so much that they wanted to see me naked. Amazing! I pretty much knew the mechanics of it but was holding on with a tightly clenched fist to my girlish need for everything around my “first time” to be perfect. I wanted to have my first time to be with a guy I was madly in love with who would make sure everything about that time was perfect, just like in the books. I held onto this up to adulthood (18) and even slightly past. After dating for a while and not feeling the magic I thought I should feel when I KNEW this was the right time and person, I just found a guy I thought attractive and thought to be a likely candidate for enjoyment if not romance and everlasting love and slept with him. I knew the violin swelling romance wasn’t in the cards for this assignation, but damn it! Couldn’t I at least have some enjoyment?! Sadly no, I was in that ever-widening group of people whose first time they’d rather forget.

I didn’t give up sex after that to be sure; in fact, I went through a sexual discovery mission trying out various guys from different walks of life and fulfillment reasons for my purposes for almost two years until I decided to actually try a monogamous romantic relationship. The thing you never really get from romance novels is that a true relationship takes work and doesn’t just “happen”. Even “perfect” relationships require an effort from both parties and the understanding that communication is crucial to try to avoid repeat mistakes and having the same pitfalls follow the relationship. I felt fairly open sexually and even liberated with my previous experience, but I never really got real with myself about communicating my wants and needs in the bedroom. Once it wore down or I got bored, I would leave. When I was in a relationship and didn’t get what I needed to be satisfied, I got angry. Neither of these were really healthy responses. One response gave me the opportunity to “hit it and quit it” and not really have consequences for it; but the other just made sex a struggle and added problems to the relationship because I felt that if this person really cared for me, he would just KNOW what was wrong and fix it.

Sadly, real relationships aren’t like book or movie relationships. Your significant other can’t figure you out through osmosis and problems are not solved by leaving dramatically only to have you both to figure out that you’re perfect for each other without ever having to really solve whatever caused the fight and flight in the first place. I’m sorry, but relationships do get tense and hard situations and conversations will need to occur if any growth is going to happen.

Sex is a dance, it’s poetry, it’s art, it’s a gift, it’s a question, it’s an answer, it’s a connection. Sex should never be demeaning or shameful. I’m a healthy female who enjoys sex and is not afraid of it. It took quite a bit of introspection to get real about my feelings concerning sex. When I realized that sex is every bit as much about my wants and needs as it is about the guy’s, it became far more enjoyable for me to explore. Sex is an exploration, of your wants, your needs, your boundaries. Push your boundaries and have fun but be safe about it and never let someone else decide what your boundaries should be.

Can Affection Grow Out of Lust?

It’s easy to imagine lust might really be affection, but can affection in a first step towards love grow out of a relationship based on sex? Do you and your partner actually communicate about anything other than about sex? Do you have anything in common to build a relationship on if sex wasn’t the main component? Would you actually be okay with being seen in public with your sexual partner or do you just see them as a guilty pleasure to be hidden away but never associated with publicly to those that are within your inner circle? Is your reasoning for not making your casual sex partner a mutually decided one of just fun and sex only, are you ashamed of association with him/her because their not your “dating type”, or are you ashamed to admit how you began your association with each other? If there is shame, there can’t be true affection. At the end of the day, the questions that need to be answered are: does this person add to my life? or does this person just scratch an itch?

I’m Saving Myself

This week’s post by staff writer Stephany Salinas discusses the subject of saving sex for marriage. Do you agree? Disagree?

 

 

No sex before marriage.

Raise your hand if you are waiting until marriage to have sex.

I’m assuming not many of you did. 

This is a concept I’ve never been able to understand. Granted, I’m not a very religious girl, so maybe that’s why, but I do know of people who have waited simply because they wanted to, not because some religion directed it. Personally, this sounds absolutely dangerous to me. I mean, I’m not exactly one to go around and sleep with randoms, but sleeping with one person, ever? And that’s not even what blows my mind the most. It’s  more the fact that someone is waiting until marriage, the biggest commitment of them all, in order to do it. Literally.

Regardless of what anyone says, sex is important. Have you ever had sex and just weren’t really into it? Yeah, me too. I don’t get how anyone can risk finding something like that out AFTER you’ve already committed your life to this person. Now, I know, if you “love” someone, the sex should come naturally and you SHOULD bond and have that connection. I don’t know about all that.

I dated a guy a while ago that I thought I was in love with. And I was, at the time. When we had sex, it was awful! I hated it. And ultimately, I think that had a lot to do with why I fell out of love. There was no physical connection there, and the lack of it totally turned me off from the relationship (among other things, but it was a huge part of it!).

Then, there was a guy I dated a while back that I wasn’t in love with. I liked him, and I cared about him, but ultimately I just didn’t love him. Our personalities were so different, and quite frankly, he was weird. I’m almost positive I dated him strictly because I was physically attracted to him. The sex was great.

So, while sex and love are “supposed” to be linked together, I don’t think they always are. And I think it’s when you find that one person that you’re absolutely crazy about in and out of the bedroom that you realize, hey, this works. I like this.

And I’ve heard people say, “It’s not about the sex, it’s about love”. Okay, well, if sex wasn’t such an important part of love, why would you wait until marriage in the first place?

Yeah. Exactly.

And sorry to say it sister, but if you’re saying it’s not about sex, there’s a very good chance you’re a virgin. Or a freak. And not the kinky kind. Imagine saving yourself until marriage, and finally getting to do it, and you don’t click. Then what? Are you supposed to spend the rest of your life having mediocre sex with someone because you already married them? Do you go on with your life thinking that’s it? Does your temptation/curiosity get the best of you…eventually leading to cheating?

All of it just seems so..sad.

I’m not saying it’s wrong. Some people want to save themselves for marriage. By all means, do your thing, do you boo boo. I guess I just don’t grasp the concept of being kept in the dark about something until after it’s too late to back out. Granted, there is such thing as divorce, but..would you want to get a divorce and have the reason be “the sex sucked!”?

Probably not.

I would love to  know what other people think about this. Are you saving yourself? Do you know someone who is/has? Is this important to you? Am I nuts for thinking sex is a big part of love and marriage, and something that should be explored BEFORE marriage?

Nagging Whispers


This week, staff writer Dallas Fitzgerald discusses the situation of the wrong relationship and the nagging whispers we hear even when we might choose to ignore them.

 

About ten years ago, a punk-rock band called SR-71 released a song called “Right Now.”  While the song itself is unremarkable (cookie-cutter pop-punk riding the coattails of Blink 182’s success), the refrain contains a lyric that could be used to sum up the way I felt during at least a few of my past relationships.  The line goes, “I know she may not be Miss Right, but she’ll do right now.”

 

Everyone knows how it feels to be in a relationship that just isn’t going to last.  Sometimes this realization sneaks up on you slowly and quietly, like a nagging whisper; other times, the realization comes screaming out at you all at once.

 

One time, I was on my third or fourth date with a woman, let’s call her “L”, and we went out for drinks at a small neighborhood tavern.  “L” was loquacious to begin with, but with each finished drink, she talked more and more; faster and faster, until eventually I had to excuse myself to go the bathroom.

While I was in the bathroom, I made the decision to bail out the back door instead of returning to the bar to tell “L” that I was leaving.  The back door led to an outdoor patio that was fenced in, but there was a tree with low-hanging branches inviting me to climb over the fence.  I used the branch to pull myself up and over the fence, and I was six blocks away before she texted me and asked me where I went.  In hindsight, this was a classless move on my part, but I, like Jamie Foxx, blame it on the alcohol.

In this particular instance, the realization that my relationship with “L” wouldn’t last literally came screaming out at me, and despite my drunken lack of common decency in the way I removed myself from the situation, it was an easy decision.

 

It is more difficult to deal with the nagging whispers.  When I was a junior in college, I fell in love with a girl; let’s call her “E.”  We dated all that school year, and through the summer, but when senior year came around, I started hearing the nagging whispers.   She wanted to be a 1st grade teacher, and I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life.  We had no future in common, but we both loved and cared about each other.

She must have been hearing the whispers as well because she broke up with me in December of that year.  The break up was hard on both of us.  Sometimes the weight of the future bears down on the present and can slowly dissolve even the strongest of bonds between two people.

 

The break up was by no means final.  We tried different arrangements in the ensuing months:  a pseudo-relationship (pretty much the same as a regular relationship except with the implicit understanding that there is no future for the two of you as a pair), a friends-with-benefits relationship (I messed that up by getting drunk at a bar and making out with another girl in front of her), and finally, a sleep-together-once-in-awhile-but-don’t-talk-or-see-each-other relationship (basically a futile attempt to stave off the inevitable while also satisfying each other’s sexual needs because, hey, the sex was pretty good).

As with most indefinite break-ups of this sort, there was no final good-bye, just a series of encounters in which we slowly drifted further and further apart until sex and communication just sort of stopped.  On one of these final encounters, “E” gave me a CD that she had made.  I guess it was a sort of parting gift.

On the CD, there was a song from the musical Wicked called “As Long As You’re Mine” (Sung by Idina Menzel and Norbert Leo Butz).   One of the lines from the song goes, “Say there’s no future / For us as a pair/ And though I may know / I don’t care.”

Listening to this song put my relationship with “E” in perspective, and I only wished that she had given it to me earlier.  It’s sometimes difficult to end things when you start hearing those nagging whispers telling you that there’s no future for your relationship, but it is not the ending that is important.  It is how you handle the moments that you have left.

During the dying days of my relationship with “E,” I found myself wondering where we had gone wrong and how we might salvage our relationship instead of allowing myself to enjoy the moments that we still had left.  Even relationships that last sixty-five or seventy years are built on a series of moments, so even if your current partner is not Miss or Mr. Right, enjoy the moments you share.

 

Of course, if those moments prove totally intolerable, then by all means excuse yourself to go to the bathroom, sneak out the back door and climb a tree over the patio fence, figuratively, of course.

Does Size Matter?- Part Two

Staff writer Rigby Rat continues to discuss the subject of how much size really factors in sexual relationships.

 

Your penis size makes no difference if she doesn’t sexually desire you.  And too often a woman dates a man not because she sexually desires him, but because he fills a void.  I know what you’re thinking, “But the sex was hot in the beginning.”  I’m sure it was.

Look, everyone knows – when the dating begins – that the sex is radioactive.  Right?  (At least that’s what he thinks.)  But is the sex real?  Too often it isn’t because women fake orgasm.  They fake orgasm because women know they can’t snag a guy unless the bedroom show is like a Cirque du Soliel extravaganza.  And that is why the sex is hot in the beginning.  Now you’re thinking, “Then how do I know if she truly desires me?”  Good question.

HOW DO I KNOW IF SHE TRULY DESIRES ME?

A. She initiates sex as much as I do.
B. She initiates sex more than I do.
C. She initiates sex outside the bedroom.
D. She initiates sex during the day.
E.  It’s way past the dating stage and she still initiates sex.
F.  We’ve been married for ________ years and she still initiates sex.
G.  All of the above.

You say: “Okay, she doesn’t truly desire me, but I don’t want to give up on her.  So, what exactly goes into an orgasm?”

The answer to that question is letter D: I’ll ask her and get back to you. (See DOES SIZE MATTER, Part One, 10/23/12.)

Yep, you need to get inside her head before you get inside her body.  And remember, she is not your ex.  She is somebody new and different.  Which means, what worked for Ginger doesn’t mean it’s going to work for Abbey.  Hence, you gotta ask Abbey.

Also, it’s not just what goes into a woman’s orgasm, it’s what DOESN’T go into a woman’s orgasm that matters as well.  What doesn’t go into a woman’s orgasm?  Again, each woman is different.  So, ask her. To help you until then, here are just a few things that don’t go into a woman’s orgasm.  Meaning, do the following and rest assured she’ll just lie there like a blow up doll:

1.  Lie to her.
2.  Text/call your ex-girlfriend.
3.  Talk about your ex-girlfriend.
4.  Act insecure.
5.  Act and talk like a dimwit, prick, etc.
6.  Be verbally and physically abusive to her.
7.  Treat her like she’s your mother.
8.  Emotionally blackmail her to get your way.
9.  Set your emotional baggage at her feet.
10. Watch porn.
11. Hang out with your guy friends instead of her.
12. Spend your money on drugs and alcohol.

No doubt, many women could add to this list – a few guys, too.  And you should.

Bottom line, penis size is the least of your worries when it comes to pleasing a woman.  Women need to be pleased in other ways.  First and foremost, they need to feel your love.  Love is what you inwardly are, and what you outwardly do.  Love can be real, love can be an illusion.  Many times after dinner and a movie and a roll between the sheets, it’s an illusion.  Yet, you both mistakenly call it love.  Oh, well, live and learn.  And the other lesson for today is: penis size only counts in porno movies because porn peddlers need to lure the curious, the insecure, and the fops to sell their movies to.

Gotta Hit The Spot

Good sex is about 80% physical and 20% visual; GREAT sex is about 45% physical, 35% vocal, and 20% emotional. If you want to get your partner to Cloud 9, you’ve got to communicate, you’ve got pay attention, and then you gotta hit the spot the makes your partner’s body sing. With men, we’re led to believe it’s all about the penis but why haven’t we really considered a man’s g-spot. This under-utilized area is every bit as much of a pleasure nirvana as a woman’s g-spot and can get you some serious “I’m crazy about you” points if you can learn how to activate it.

Tomorrow, I’m attending the Pleasure Chest Chicago workshop: “The Male Prostate and Male Pleasure” taught by sex specialist Sarah Sloane. I’ll report what juicy tidbits I learned by end of week so stay tuned!