I Have a Healthy Sex Drive and I’m Not Ashamed of It

I’ve always been fascinated with sex from a fairly early age. I basically inhaled romance novels growing up through my high school years fantasizing what it would be like to have someone who wanted me so much that they wanted to see me naked. Amazing! I pretty much knew the mechanics of it but was holding on with a tightly clenched fist to my girlish need for everything around my “first time” to be perfect. I wanted to have my first time to be with a guy I was madly in love with who would make sure everything about that time was perfect, just like in the books. I held onto this up to adulthood (18) and even slightly past. After dating for a while and not feeling the magic I thought I should feel when I KNEW this was the right time and person, I just found a guy I thought attractive and thought to be a likely candidate for enjoyment if not romance and everlasting love and slept with him. I knew the violin swelling romance wasn’t in the cards for this assignation, but damn it! Couldn’t I at least have some enjoyment?! Sadly no, I was in that ever-widening group of people whose first time they’d rather forget.

I didn’t give up sex after that to be sure; in fact, I went through a sexual discovery mission trying out various guys from different walks of life and fulfillment reasons for my purposes for almost two years until I decided to actually try a monogamous romantic relationship. The thing you never really get from romance novels is that a true relationship takes work and doesn’t just “happen”. Even “perfect” relationships require an effort from both parties and the understanding that communication is crucial to try to avoid repeat mistakes and having the same pitfalls follow the relationship. I felt fairly open sexually and even liberated with my previous experience, but I never really got real with myself about communicating my wants and needs in the bedroom. Once it wore down or I got bored, I would leave. When I was in a relationship and didn’t get what I needed to be satisfied, I got angry. Neither of these were really healthy responses. One response gave me the opportunity to “hit it and quit it” and not really have consequences for it; but the other just made sex a struggle and added problems to the relationship because I felt that if this person really cared for me, he would just KNOW what was wrong and fix it.

Sadly, real relationships aren’t like book or movie relationships. Your significant other can’t figure you out through osmosis and problems are not solved by leaving dramatically only to have you both to figure out that you’re perfect for each other without ever having to really solve whatever caused the fight and flight in the first place. I’m sorry, but relationships do get tense and hard situations and conversations will need to occur if any growth is going to happen.

Sex is a dance, it’s poetry, it’s art, it’s a gift, it’s a question, it’s an answer, it’s a connection. Sex should never be demeaning or shameful. I’m a healthy female who enjoys sex and is not afraid of it. It took quite a bit of introspection to get real about my feelings concerning sex. When I realized that sex is every bit as much about my wants and needs as it is about the guy’s, it became far more enjoyable for me to explore. Sex is an exploration, of your wants, your needs, your boundaries. Push your boundaries and have fun but be safe about it and never let someone else decide what your boundaries should be.

April Fool’s: Ain’t Nobody Got Time for That

Oh April, the first month of the year during which it actually feels like spring consistently. First, we have to get through day one during which anyone’s open game to get pranked. Can’t we all just get through the day, be thankful that’s we’re done with winter (well…MOST of us) and look forward to lighter layers, more sunlight, spring romance, and summer lovin’? So how about we just be happy and share the love. Don’t be a punk. Cheers!

Happy Anniversary?

Staff writer Dallas Fitzgerald shares the story of his first wedding anniversary.

On Monday, my wife and I celebrated our first wedding anniversary. After a hectic week, which included wicked New Year’s Day hangovers for both of us and a major family crisis that caused her to spend Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday in St. Paul, we were both looking forward to a nice, relaxing evening of dinner and romance.
We had received a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory for Christmas, so we decided to use it. We got in the car, and as we pulled out of the driveway and started to accelerate down the road, the car started shaking, and I knew we had just shredded the transmission. We pulled into a gas station and headed back home.
As I drove the impotent vehicle back to our apartment, I did what any self-respecting male would do: I screamed every swear word I could think of, pounded on the steering wheel like an angry chimpanzee and told my wife to put on her seatbelt because I was going to drive the piece of shit car into a telephone pole.
When we got back to the apartment, I got out of the car in a fury and slammed the door shut as hard as I could. Then I opened the back door just so I could slam it shut even harder. I finished by spitting on the window and kicking the car until I had put a golf-ball sized dent in the driver’s-side door. Then, I was done.
I followed my wife into the apartment where she informed me that she wasn’t going anywhere with me if I was going to act crazy all night. By this time, I had settled down a bit and was merely pacing back and forth in our living room. My wife proceeded to tell me that we would take the car in on Tuesday and that everything would be fine. Her reassuring words caused me to come back to baseline, and I told her that I was sorry for the blow-up and was ready to go eat because by this time I was starving.
We went to the restaurant and had a nice dinner despite the screaming child sitting right next to us. On any other day, the crying baby might have annoyed me to the point of requesting a different table, but I had expended all my negative energy cursing and kicking the car and figured this was the universe punishing me for my tantrum, so I just accepted it and enjoyed my meal.
After dinner, we had to stop at Wal-Mart for a few things—groceries, Q-tips, pillows and toilet paper. As we were walking through the store, we passed the greeting card aisle, and my wife looked at me and exclaimed, “Oh my God! We didn’t even get each other anniversary cards!”
It was true. The past week had been so busy that we had both forgotten to get anniversary cards for each other.
“I have an idea,” I replied. “Let’s each pick out an anniversary card, and we can give them to each other and read them right here in the store. I mean, think about it, we would only read them once and throw them away anyway, right?”
She agreed, and we both started shuffling through anniversary cards. My wife found a card for me first; I was still searching.
“Hey no peeking!” she pulled the card close to her body, protecting it from my furtive glances.
Finally, I found a card for her.
“Happy anniversary, sweetheart,” I said, handing her the card that I had chosen.
“Happy anniversary,” she replied, handing me the one that she had found.
Then, we both stood there in the middle of Wal-Mart, reading our anniversary cards, which we had no intention of paying for.
“Awwww, that’s sweet,” she said after reading the card I had given to her.
“Yours is nice too,” I replied.
“Well, look at the bright side,” she said, taking both cards in her hands and turning them over to look at their prices. “We saved twelve bucks.”
“Yup,” I responded, “And instead of throwing them away, we can put them back on the shelf for someone else to purchase.”
She inspected the card rack, trying to find where each card came from. When she did, she tucked them nicely back amongst their clones. Then, glancing around to make sure that no one was looking, she pulled me close to her.
“I love you,” she said softly.
“I love you too,” I replied, and we shared a semi-passionate anniversary kiss in the middle of Wal-Mart’s greeting card aisle.
When we got home from Wal-Mart, we were both pretty tired, and she had to work early on Tuesday morning, so we put on our pajamas and went into the bedroom to watch TV before falling asleep.
“I think we should make that anniversary card thing a tradition. Every year, for our anniversary, we should go to Wal-Mart and pick out cards for each other, read them right there and put them back,” I suggested.
“That sounds like a good idea,” she replied. “But you know what else we should make a tradition?”
“What?” I asked, looking into her suddenly lascivious brown eyes and already knowing the answer.
She gracefully rolled over on top of me and started straddling me.
“Hmmmm,” I said. “That sounds good too.”
A night that began with angry passion ended with a very different sort of passion, and as we lay in the bed naked, I looked over at her and said, “That turned out to be a happy anniversary after all.”

Quality over Quantity

When it comes to finding “the one”, some choose to go about it as a practice makes perfect endeavor and date as many people as possible until one of them feels just right. Others choose to wait for the right one to find them as if every person has a homing device just waiting to be tracked. When it comes to dating, does it always have to be quantity vs. quality or can these things sometimes go hand in hand? New staff writer Stephen Hyde discusses the topic of quality over quantity from a personal side.

I am in the midst of a serious problem with relationships. This might seem a borderline inappropriate opener for a blog that has great advice and nuggets of information for relationships.  It’s the truth though, and the problem is the idea of waiting.  Waiting for the perfect person to come into my life, waiting for signs, waiting for the proverbial slap to wake up.  I blame America.  We are a culture waterboarded with ideals that we may not have had previous for what we look for.  Passing blame and pointing fingers is only a front, because with patience, we are all capable of filtering through our justifications to find our perfect person.

 

The biggest disservice one can do themselves is dishonesty.  I don’t believe you can ever fully lie to yourself.  You can justify your thoughts and actions and push back how you really feel all the way back to the deepest, darkest part of your brain.  At the end of the day though, you knew how you really felt or what you should have done.  I bring this up not as the moral police, ready to use “necessary” force to shove honesty down your throat with my baton of literature, but as a warning.  A warning that if you lie to yourself, you will miss out on a great relationship.

 

I have become Fletcher, from Liar Liar  in my own life.  I am trying so hard to lie to myself , to just slightly bend the truth as to get what I “want“. Like Fletcher though, I can’t.  I have become impatient in the dating scene, giving the quality vs. quantity a real Mythbusters type challenge. I believe that if I were to date enough good people, I can find my perfect partner.  This may work, but I’m not only impatient, I am dishonest with myself.  I am looking for people with qualities the world would approve of, qualities that my friends and peers would say, “good for him”. I’m not checking for what I genuinely would like.  This my dear friends, is the reason I had to take a step back and take a deep breath.

 

On paper, dating multiple people in quick succession might seem a logical way to quickly find your soul mate.  When you really think about it, you would never hear of anyone who “quickly” found their soul mate.  The only things you quickly find is regret when you start to do that.  Being patient and letting life do it’s thing is how you come across people you want to be with, friends or soul mates.  Do the things you honestly love doing, not what people want you to do, or think you have to do.  There are 6+ billion people on this planet.  Chances are there is someone who is as into the things you love as you are.

 

Going from frantically searching like a sailor for land, to a calm accepting person of whatever or whomever comes my way has proven fruitful.  By not forcing the hand of God, fate, the universe or whatever, I have discovered everything will be ok. People’s feelings will now not be hurt because im rushing, trying to find my perfect person.  I have discovered being patient and honest allows me to evaluate situations more clearly before acting. I continue to do the things I enjoy, surround myself with genuine people and I am sure the person who is most in sync with me will find me or be found through simple honesty and patience.

 

Anticipation

As morning dawned, Emma felt full of energy in spite of little sleep due to her constant thoughts of Gabe and their impending first date. “God, I’m acting like a teenage girl with her first crush!”, Emma muttered to herself. But she just didn’t care. This was the first time in years she felt quite like this and she liked it. “Hmm, I wonder what Gabe’ll cook up for our date…”, Emma mused. As her imagination took over in think of just what she’d be in for in a couple of days, Emma prepared for her day and got ready to go to work at the advertising firm she worked for.

A few blocks away in another apartment, Gabe was finishing his first cup of coffee and preparing to pour his second as classical music wafted softly through the air and his laptop hummed waiting for him to continue working on his new book. He had been incredibly productive since like Emma, he hadn’t slept much either and had been already writing for the day since about 6am. He hummed along to the piece currently playing on one of his Pandora classical stations he usually played while he wrote and walked back over to his desk thinking about the night before with. Emma. He grinned thinking of her laugh and the way the little dimple in her left cheek winked at his whenever she was amused. “Yep,”, Gabe thought to himself. “I’m falling hard and fast for this one.” But he had to admit, it didn’t worry him nearly as much as it would have in the past. In fact, he couldn’t wait for his first date with Emma and the only thing he did regret was setting it for Saturday rather Friday. Oh well, there was nothing he could do about it now except be patient and use the extra day to make Saturday perfect. Gabe couldn’t remember the last time he wanted to try so hard to impress a girl, but something told him that Emma was definitely worth it. Gabe smiled and went right back to work writing someone else’s love story while he contemplated the start of his own.

Second Chance Under A Lucky Star?

It has been three days since her chance encounter with her mystery man
She has played the moments in her mind over and over and has dreamed of meeting him again
She thinks about what she would do differently if she could just see him again
Would she be bold and flirt outrageously? Would she suggest a real date to get to know each other?
She was planning her usual way of spending Wednesday night…a latte and novel at her favorite place.
Would he be there tonight? Maybe she should wear a cute outfit just in case…

“Three days since our chance meeting”, Gabe thought to himself.
Tonight is the night the barista said Emma would return to hang out for the evening
“Dare he hope that she would keep to her routine? I hope so.”, Gabe voiced this last bit aloud.
“I think I’ll wear a nice shirt in case she’s there and I can convince her to go out with me.
Now what to wear and how to introduce myself…”, he wondered to himself.

Ensconced in a cozy corner of the coffee shop with a cup of coffee, Emma’s eyes survey the cafe.
“Is he here possibly looking for me? Will he happen to show up again?”, Emma wonders to herself.
She tried to read her book to keep from constantly looking for him, but she couldn’t focus.
“I’m being nervous over nothing. I’ll probably never see him again.”, Emma thought crossly.
The cafe’s door chime sounds and right before her eyes, her mystery man materializes.
He walks straight towards her, a sweet, relieved smile lighting his face and eyes.
“Hi, I’m Gabe”, her mystery man introduces himself. “May I sit with you?”
“Oh, my God!”, Emma thinks to herself. “He’s even better looking up close!”
“Sure.”, She says to Gabe. “Oh my God! He’s really here!”, Emma thinks to herself. “You might remember me from a couple of nights ago…”, Gabe begins. “I was the guy staring at you from across the room because I was too chicken to introduce myself. I hope to make up for that now.”, Gabe continues. “I’ve given you my name, what’s yours? ” “I remember you…”, Emma says. ” I have to admit, I was kind of hoping I’d see you again. Nice to see my wish come true. I’m Emma.”, Emma breathes. “Well, I’m glad to hear you wanted to see me again as much as I wanted to see you.”, Gabe said with a wink.

Just like in her dreams, Emma and Gabe talked and laughed and had no problem passing the time getting acquainted with each other. Gabe was just as charming as she hoped and seemed to always have a quick smile ready. Gabe felt the same way. He really felt he connected with Emma. She was sweet, witty, intelligent, with a little bit of a wild side. She was even better than he dreamed and hoped to have the chance to get to know her better…

“I was wondering…would you like to get a drink sometime or maybe dinner? It’s totally no pressure. I’d just like to get to know you better.”, Gabe asked. “Well…”, Emma thought to herself. “I did want a chance with him..” “Alright. I’d love to go out with you.”, Emma smiled and answered. “Whew!”, Gabe exclaimed. “For a minute there. I thought you might say no.” Emma smiled and put her hand on Gabe’s. “No. I didn’t want to say ‘no’. You seem like someone I’d like to get to know better.”, Emma assured him. “Well, I’m glad. So Emma, I’m curious…are you the type who likes surprises?”, Gabe asked. “Oh yes!”, Emma laughed. “I love surprises!” Gabe leans forward. captivated by Emma’s smile and infectious laugh. “Well, I’ll be sure to plan the best date you’ve ever had!” Gabe promised. “I want to make sure I can keep spending time with you.”, Gabe grinned.

“Wow!”, Gabe said. “It’s getting late! I can’t believe we’ve been talking for 4 hours…it doesn’t feel like we’ve been talking that long at all.” Gabe smiled. “Can I walk you home, Emma? I feel badly for keeping you out so late.” Gabe inquired. “That would be great.”, Emma replied, relieved. ” I really didn’t want to have to walk home alone this late. I’d appreciate the company.”, she added. “My pleasure, I can’t let a nice, beautiful woman like yourself walk home alone. My mother raised me better than that.”, Gabe replied flirtatiously. “Shall we go?”, Gabe asked as Emma gathered her things. “Let’s!”, Emma smiled.

As Gabe and Emma walked the seven blocks back to Emma’s apartment, they continued  chatting easily as they surreptitiously sneaked glanced at each other congratulating themselves on how well their night went and that they were going to have a real date. Before they knew it, Emma’s building appeared and their time together for the night was coming to an end. “There’s my building ahead on the right.”, Emma pointed out. “Here’s my card so you can call me.”, Emma handed Gabe her card brushing him fingertips lightly as she pulled her hand away. Gabe grabbed her hand as she pulled away. “I’m glad you were at the cafe tonight. I had a great time.”, Gabe whispered to Emma as his lips hovered over her hand to kiss her knuckles. Emma flushed at the romantic gesture glad that she was in shadow so Gabe couldn’t see. “I had a great time too, Gabe.”, Emma replied breathlessly, realizing that she had indeed enjoyed herself. “Before I go, I’m curious. Are you free Saturday night by chance for our date?”, Gabe asked hoping she would say yes since he was already looking forward to seeing her again. “Yes, as a matter of fact, I am.”, Emma smiled, glad that Gabe wasn’t the type to suggest a date and then disappear for a while. “Great! I’ll pick you up at seven.”, Gabe smiled back, happy that yet again she’d said yes and seemed to want to have their date as much as he did. “Good night, Emma. I’ll see you Saturday night!”, Gabe grinned. “Good night, Gabe. I look forward to it.”, she smiled and winked as she walked inside her building.

As she closed the door, Emma leaned against it grinning like a fool over Gabe and the last few hours they spent talking and getting to know each other. She floated upstairs to prepare for bed and dream about Gabe and the fun time they had that night.

When Emma closed the door, Gabe couldn’t stop smiling for thinking about tonight and the wonderful time he had with Emma. He couldn’t wait for Saturday to come and hated the fact that it was only Wednesday and that he had to wait a couple of days to see her again. Gabe walked down the stairs of Emma’s building whistling already planning a great date that Emma would love.