ARE YOUR NEGATIVE EMOTIONS ALIENATING HIM/HER?

This week’s post by staff writer Rigby Rat discusses how to deal with negative emotions and their possible effects on a relationship.

 

Do you direct your negative emotions against your mate?  If you think about it, in most relationships someone resents his circumstances.  What might those circumstances be?  He could be out of work or overworked, overweight, underpaid, under laid, etc.  And when he resents his circumstances, he either openly – or secretly – blames his mate for his situation.

 

Directing your resentment toward your mate – especially if you don’t clue her in as to why you’re feeling so resentful – will alienate her.  It might even send her into the arms of another man.

 

What’s an unhappy, resentful guy full of negative emotions supposed to do?

 

1.  Stop directing your negativity toward the person you love.

2.  Say to yourself “Resenting others makes me feel like crap.”

3.  Say to yourself “I don’t want to feel like crap.”

4.  Say to yourself “In the name of common sense – and my health – I’m chucking the negativity and resentment.”

5.  Say to yourself, “When I am feeling negative and resentful, I don’t see the damage that it does to me, my relationship, and others around me.”

6.  Say to yourself, “Directing my negativity toward the person I love is like tossing dirt at her when the wind is blowing in my direction.”

 

Blaming someone else for your situation isn’t going to change that situation. Blaming someone else isn’t going to make you closer to that person.  However, discussing your feelings will.  For instance, if you’re out of work, let her know that you’re frustrated that you can’t find a job.  When she hears that you’re frustrated, she will either sympathize, or empathize, or both with you.  And isn’t that what you really want?  Someone to give you a hug, say she understands, and possibly swing into action and help you?  When you discuss your frustrations with her, she understands your plight better.

 

Always discuss your feelings with the one you love.  If she isn’t receptive, or hasn’t a clue, then you’ve picked the wrong lady to spend your life with.  The right woman knows that a successful relationship takes a team of two.  She also sees an imaginary scale that needs to stay balanced to keep the relationship harmonious and happy.  If it tips one way and stays there, and neither of you does anything to bring the balance back, it’s only a matter of time until the relationship becomes loveless, full of resentment, and headed toward splitsville.

 

So, instead of staying trapped inside a cage of your own negative thoughts and resentful feelings, and then lashing out, talk to her.  Don’t alienate the one you love.  And make sure your little powwow is done when she is receptive – so check the calendar.  If all decks are clear, take her to her favorite restaurant, take some deep breaths, and have your heart-to-heart.

 

When An Ex Calls

Staff writer Rigby Rat’s post for this week discusses what might happen when an ex becomes a blip on the radar again and tries to be more. Have you had a “when an ex calls” moment?
If you’re in a relationship and the ex calls, don’t answer.  Why?  Because the ex wants something.  What?  Usually, to get back together with you.  Why?  More than likely his/her relationship just ended and he/she thinks you’re fool enough to fall for his/her chicanery while he/she sits and waits at the curb.

The ex’s drill will be:  “I miss you.  I love you.  We had a really good thing.  Can I see you?  Blah, blah, blah.”

Unless the back of your shirt says ACME GARBAGE DISPOSAL, like I said, don’t answer the phone.  Leave him/her at the curb for some other dope to scrape up.  And if you just had a fight with your mate and you’re angry and feel tempted to talk with the ex – I have two words for you – grow up.

When an ex calls, he/she is not thinking about you.  He/she is only thinking about his/her sorry, lonely ass.  In addition, the ex has no respect for you, for your lover, or your relationship.  Is this REALLY the kind of louse you want to talk with?  One that’s going to ruin your life and eventually send YOU to the curb one day?  I thought not.

Advice: When it comes to an ex, never go backwards to move forward.

And remember: If the ex was that good for you, you’d still be together.

Our Happily Ever After

 

 

This week’s post by staff writer Rachel Brownjohn is about an analysis of the concept of “happily ever after”. 

 

 

 

I watched a movie this weekend (Which I SHANT spoil for you with the title) about the disillusion of a relationship. The main characters were a committed couple on the (not so fast) track down the aisle, but their story was not destined for success.  As I watched the couple’s struggles unfold I knew that there would be no wedding bells, no happy ending. I prepared myself for that tragic moment when everything would fall apart. I could feel tears building in anticipation, there would be no escaping this theatre without Maybelline Great Lash stains all down my cheeks.

 

 

 

In Shakespeare’s comedies you can bet your bottom dollar that there will be a wedding. They serve as the solidifying event that even after the most twisted of plots, everything works out. “I Do,” equates with Happily Ever After.  In romantic comedies the couple makes it, things work out, they realize they are meant for each other after all. These are the happy endings to which I’ve grown accustomed, “You may kiss the bride,” – cue resolution.

 

 

 

 

But this movie was different. When the unhappy couple finally faced the fact that their relationship had run its course, that it was time to say goodbye; I felt… relieved, hopeful, happy. In the end, these two people had loved each other enough to realize that Ever After wasn’t in the cards for them. In that moment, breaking up was the most loving thing these two could have done for each other. Instead of remaining in an unhappy union, they let each other go. And it was a decision made distinctly with love. Breaking up WAS the happy ending.

 

 

 

I’ve always thought that the end of a relationship was a sort of anti-love story. That if the promises you made each other didn’t pan out, it wasn’t the love that you’d once thought. But maybe I’ve had it all wrong. Maybe, if ending things is best, that is the love story.

Confessions of an Avid Purger

Purging, good for the soul AND heart? New staff writer Rachel Brownjohn gives a good argument for this in her first post for the blog. Enjoy and if you can relate, comment on the post!

Purging is the best. Like, the BEST.

And no, not the kind you’re thinking.
The purging that comes from cleaning out your closet, or finally sorting through the contents of your neglected refrigerator, or organizing your pencil

bag (you guys remember elementary school), or my FAVORITE, getting rid of the artifacts of a failed relationship.

When I was in second grade my mom and I lived in a duplex with another single mom/kid super duo. That mom dated…. All the time. And she was a regular pro at getting rid of ex’s stuff. She would regularly (about once every 2 months) dispel a box of items, which presumably belonged to the most recent former beaux, from her second story window and onto her side of the lawn. Sometimes those clothes would stay there for a few days. Sometimes they would be gone by the morning. My favorite time, they were gathered by an underwear clad fellow with a cardboard box as he alternatingly offered beseeching apologies and creative slights.

She was a rock star of purging.

I’ve never reached her level of commitment when it comes to ex-boyfriend paraphernalia removal. I tend to keep my irrational actions isolated to late night text messages or boy bashing nights with my girlfriends. When it comes to returning items I’m like Martha Stewart. I package their items attractively and smelling fresh and clean!

It’s a ritual:  Break up. Sort out a time to return items, and go to TOWN! Laundering and folding neatly, being very careful to ensure that all items are returned in PEAK condition, and (depending on the extent of our relationship and the method of return) possibly writing a well thought out note to seem extra graceful. Or dramatic. Depends on the occasion (Once my note read, “I’m sorry, I just can’t keep them, they deserve to be loved”…. It was in reference to sweatshirts, DRAMA!).

Do you remember the musical South Pacific? Or more specifically that catchy old tune that went, “I’m gonna wash that man right out of my hair, and send him on his way!”. This is the break up mantra I follow, and for me, those neatly packed boxes of laundered clothes are my shampoo and water. “I’m gonna pack that box all full of his shirts, and send him on his way!.”

Does getting rid of their stuff erase the heartache? No. Does it erase the memories we shared together? Of course not. But it’s starting fresh, cleaning out the closet, and making room for a new tooth-brush and pair of athletic shorts, a new too-big-T-shirt to fall asleep in, and a new hand to hold.

If you enjoyed this post, come check out the rest of the blog for other great posts and daily quotes! Subscribe to the blog to get updates whenever something new is posted. Get friendly with us on Facebook and follow us onTwitter and Pinterest!

When To Put Up A Fight

This is a follow-up to the article our staff writer,Stephanie Beccera, wrote last week entitled “When To Throw In The Towel” of when to call off a relationship if it’s just not working out. In response to last week’s article, Stephanie was approached with different takes on the subject and one friend’s question stood out: what if instead of throwing in the towel, we try harder?

In the age of 30 second commercials and instant, accessible 24/7 communication, it’s clear to see why our attention spans have decreased significantly. Studies have even cited that instead of a seven-year itch within relationships and marriages, there are now more couples breaking up after three, and divorce rates have never been higher. With these grim statistics, it is a wonder that couples manage to stay together, let alone find each other in the first place.

When you first start dating someone, do small things to make each other smile, remember little details such as an affinity for a certain cupcake; and when your significant other is having a bad day, show up at their door step with this cupcake and all is right with the world.

This is normally the beginning stage of a relationship. This stage can last a year, sometimes even two. But it’s around the time when those first couple of years have passed that many couples start to notice a change. The thoughtful gestures have stopped, the dates have decreased and communication is lacking. You can sense a distance forming and feelings changing, but instead of calling it quits, what if you did something about it?

It can be difficult to form a deep connection with someone so when you find that person that understands and makes you happy, hold on to them. It’s common for us to get caught up in the craziness that is daily life and neglect our relationships. But if the person is worth it, do something and fight back.

We as a society have become too complacent and expect things to come effortlessly and to fix themselves. Despite the idealized mirage of what a relationship is, they actually take work and commitment and do not always come easy. If you feel something is broken in your relationship, fix it. If you feel like you don’t go out as often, plan a regular date night. If you feel a lack of communication, voice it. Remember the little things that made you fall in love in the first place because it won’t be the elaborate gifts or dates that will bring the magic back. It will be the cupcake out of the blue that will truly make you fall in love. You may find that instead of growing apart, you and your partner can grow together.

In daily life, people change. Circumstances change. People come and go, there is life and death. But if you have someone by your side who you think is worth fighting for, then do it. In the words of my dear friend, “Who knows? You might fall in love all over again.”

What are your thoughts? I’d love to hear your comments on the article and even examples of when you have been faced with the decision of putting up a fight for your relationship or moving on.

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Till Two Years Do You Part?


 

The institution of marriage is on one side magical and full of hope and on the other side, daunting and full of “what ifs”. Someday in the near future, couples could have the option of a short term marriage of two years at the end of which the couples can either choose to continue the marriage or walk away free and clear without a messy divorce. Would this make marriage more palatable? Would this help change the idea of “well, if it doesn’t work out, there’s always divorce.”? I think this spin on traditional marriage could make things far less scary and even improve societal views on it. In an age of sky rocketing divorce rates, this could almost be a “golden ticket” to marital bliss.

On the other side, thinking traditionally, this would seem a mockery to such an important institution. When you think about marriage, you think “till death do us part”. You don’t think, “well, we agreed to two years…let’s see how it goes.” You think, “I promised the rest of my life for better or worse.”  

We know that human nature is flawed and very much so imperfect. An allowance for a short term marriage contract could provide for that even in marriage. We’d like to think that we could stick it out in a marriage until death; but let’s face it, having a clean escape is very appealing. This doesn’t mean we love our mate any less, this just means that we’re expanding on how a long term relationship changes and grows. In the dating stage, there’s no need for a license and legalities. If the relationship works, you stay together; if it doesn’t, you breakup and move on.

Is it really so wrong to consider a short term marriage if the end result is a happy, healthy relationship that progressed without the pressure of “till death”?  

 

Is Conversation A Lost Art?

In this age of Twitter, Facebook, and text messaging, are we socially handicapping ourselves with social media outlets? Today, we’ve become so used to 140-160 characters or less exchanges that full length conversations have gone to the wayside. In the dating world, it seems to be preferred to choose a venue in which chatting isn’t necessary or is even frowned on for first date choices. We’ve become so “instant-gratification” oriented that if we’re not impressed in the first few minutes of meeting, we move on. When did conversation become so overrated?

Many relationships and relationships that could have been come to a screeching halt due to confusion, miscommunication, and or no communication. Is it because we want the other person to be intuitive like our technology supposedly able to know what we are thinking without our having to complete the thought? We seem to want a prospective date that comes with a you-tube how-to video rather than take the time to take the other person for a test drive by getting to know them and seeing what happens. You can’t always judge a book by its cover or know everything you need to about another person in 5 minutes or less. Take the time to engage in conversation; you might be pleasantly surprised to see what you find out after the 160th character.