The Silent Brush-off: Kind or Cowardly?

The silent brush-off, a occurrance while not being something that happens to EVERYONE, is at least something we’re familiar with however directly or indirectly the situation may have been, is something of a touchy issue with dating and relationships. You may find yourself in the situation of he/she is just not into you anymore and wonder: “what happened?”. The problem is, that person just may not be available to give you the answer to that question. There are some instances in which that person may have been in a situation in which they had to just cut all communication with no warning; however, the more common case is just that that person was just not man or woman enough to just tell what the situation is and walk rather than adding unnecessary questions for the sake of less drama. What is really the case is that the “duck and run” method to ending things isn’t taking away the drama; it’s just transferring the drama and giving a double burden to the one left with countless questions. So in closing, I have just this advice: if you feel the need to end a relationship with someone, just be straight with them, in person if possible, because if that person has to be brave enough to face rejection, then you should be brave enough to address things face to face and deal with the fall-out. While no one likes rejection, no one respects a coward.

Love Actually

Valentine’s Day…a day when the weight of most relationships is measured by getting Valentine’s Day right. Should I give flowers? Should I make dinner reservations? Should I buy some jewelry? Should I keep it simple? Should I go all out? Will I be seen as loving him or her any less if I don’t make a big deal about “the most romantic day of the year”? I’m of the opinion that a person’s love shouldn’t be measured by gifts and grand gestures. It should be about two people respecting, adoring, understanding, and cherishing each other year-round. Because in the end, don’t we all want to feel special all year-round? What we want is a true love that lasts. In the great words of Beethoven in “Letters to the Immortal Beloved” and spoken so elegantly by Mr. Big to Carrie in Sex and the City: The Movie: ‘Ever mine, ever thine, ever ours.’

Throwing in the Towel

This post, brought to us by new staff writer LeeAnn Yops, discusses persistence and the need for a positive attitude in life.

After receiving yet another rejection letter from a job that I really wanted, I sit here typing with a sense of defeat. Throughout my job search, I have tried to stay optimistic and think that something will have to work out eventually. I would like to think the same of my (lack of) dating life.

The job search is a lot like dating. That’s not a new revelation, but it’s funny how much the similarities come up between the two. Just last year I thought I found the job of my dreams. They contacted me after I sent my resume and cover letter and thought that I was really special. Well, special enough for a first date of a phone interview and promise of an in-person interview. That second date/interview never happened. I was crushed. I took that initial phone call while lying on my bed as if I was a teenager talking to a cute boy. Turns out the boy who interviewed me was cute, I stalked him on the Internet to find out. Trudging through and looking for a paycheck (besides the possibility of the corner), I continued to apply elsewhere, just like I have continued to date after being disappointed by the fellers over the years.

Determining the post-interview/post-date etiquette is a tricky one. You don’t want to seem overeager, yet you want to express interest. Weighing in on a job is a little different as you would hope the company would have the decency to at least give you a tender, computer-generated no, but that’s not always the case. You sit there wondering what they didn’t like about you and if you did something differently maybe the circumstances wouldn’t be the same. The uncertainty simply blows.

It’s much easier for me to put my dating life on hold as that doesn’t pay my rent (or maybe I’m not doing it right). Honestly, I think being unsure in your career is just another excuse. It’s different if there is a lack of drive, but if the person is actively searching I don’t see it as a red flag. In fact, if you surveyed most people they would probably admit that they’re not happy with their careers. I’ve had friends who would use their distaste for their jobs as an excuse not to date saying they have to find that part of themselves first. That can be translated as insecurity. I’m insecure with my dumpy body, but I’ll still squeeze into a pair of Spanx and go on a date here and there. Heck, if it’s going well, I might even go to the bathroom and throw those Spanx in my purse. It wouldn’t be the first time.

As frustrating as it gets, you have to push yourself to keep going, both dating and job wise. Whenever I feel like I’ve hit a wall, I try to remember that it really could be worse. I might have been rejected by something I was really excited about today, but I am also not dating my childhood crush, Anthony Kiedis. I did apply for a few more jobs today and even have phone interview set up later this week. Even though this company isn’t my first choice, maybe they will surprise me. I’m not expecting my love life and professional life to be all roses as I know both will take work, but I would settle for something that I at least enjoy most of the time to feel some sense of self worth. Or I guess I’d even settle for some handholding over the pants. Whatever’s clever. Either way, I hope I get more than a computer-generated response soon.

ARE YOUR NEGATIVE EMOTIONS ALIENATING HIM/HER?

This week’s post by staff writer Rigby Rat discusses how to deal with negative emotions and their possible effects on a relationship.

 

Do you direct your negative emotions against your mate?  If you think about it, in most relationships someone resents his circumstances.  What might those circumstances be?  He could be out of work or overworked, overweight, underpaid, under laid, etc.  And when he resents his circumstances, he either openly – or secretly – blames his mate for his situation.

 

Directing your resentment toward your mate – especially if you don’t clue her in as to why you’re feeling so resentful – will alienate her.  It might even send her into the arms of another man.

 

What’s an unhappy, resentful guy full of negative emotions supposed to do?

 

1.  Stop directing your negativity toward the person you love.

2.  Say to yourself “Resenting others makes me feel like crap.”

3.  Say to yourself “I don’t want to feel like crap.”

4.  Say to yourself “In the name of common sense – and my health – I’m chucking the negativity and resentment.”

5.  Say to yourself, “When I am feeling negative and resentful, I don’t see the damage that it does to me, my relationship, and others around me.”

6.  Say to yourself, “Directing my negativity toward the person I love is like tossing dirt at her when the wind is blowing in my direction.”

 

Blaming someone else for your situation isn’t going to change that situation. Blaming someone else isn’t going to make you closer to that person.  However, discussing your feelings will.  For instance, if you’re out of work, let her know that you’re frustrated that you can’t find a job.  When she hears that you’re frustrated, she will either sympathize, or empathize, or both with you.  And isn’t that what you really want?  Someone to give you a hug, say she understands, and possibly swing into action and help you?  When you discuss your frustrations with her, she understands your plight better.

 

Always discuss your feelings with the one you love.  If she isn’t receptive, or hasn’t a clue, then you’ve picked the wrong lady to spend your life with.  The right woman knows that a successful relationship takes a team of two.  She also sees an imaginary scale that needs to stay balanced to keep the relationship harmonious and happy.  If it tips one way and stays there, and neither of you does anything to bring the balance back, it’s only a matter of time until the relationship becomes loveless, full of resentment, and headed toward splitsville.

 

So, instead of staying trapped inside a cage of your own negative thoughts and resentful feelings, and then lashing out, talk to her.  Don’t alienate the one you love.  And make sure your little powwow is done when she is receptive – so check the calendar.  If all decks are clear, take her to her favorite restaurant, take some deep breaths, and have your heart-to-heart.

 

“If you love them, let them go…”

This week’s post by staff writer Stephany Salinas gives her in depth opinion of the old “catch and release” adage: “if you love them, let them go”.

..is something I would say about a butterfly. Or perhaps a puppy that I couldn’t keep in my house.

Not. About. A. Person.

And I’m not sure if it’s the quote itself that bugs me, or the fact that I see it EVERYWHERE, as if it was some form of amazing piece of advice or inspirational idea.

Let me quickly explain what this quote is saying:

When you love someone, and you can’t give him or her what you think would make him or her happy, you should let them go and give them the opportunity to find someone who will make them happy.

WHAT?!

“Awww, how romantic!

No. That’s not romantic, stop that. In fact, that’s the opposite of romantic. If romance had an evil twin, it would be just that.

Sorry to break it to you sweetheart, but if someone is willing to let you go, they’re just not that into you. Personally, if I love someone, I’ll do whatever the hell it takes to be with them. With my exes, I’ve stuck through their tough times, helped them with problems, finances, and more. I’ve been through the mental breakdowns and changing of lifestyles. Was it easy? Absolutely not. Sometimes, I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to do it. However, I knew that if I didn’t, I would lose the person I was with, and that wasn’t an option. When I care about someone, I don’t see their flaws or problems as trouble or stress, I see these things as something I can help them with, which is part of the job description when you care about someone. If someone is using their flaws/problems as to why they can’t be with you, or why they aren’t good enough for you, please remember that these are just other terms for “excuses”. We all have flaws, we all have problems, and every single one of us has had an excuse for something.

See, when I fall for someone (which has become a rarity due to past experiences), I strive to be the person that deserves him and will make him happy. If they aren’t willing to do the same, then there’s something wrong with this picture.

Loving someone and letting them go is something your parents do. They raise you, they love you, they want to see you grow and prosper, and do better things with your life.

Being in love with someone is COMPLETELY different. 

When you’re IN love with someone, you will do whatever it takes to BE what’s best for him or her. Think about it. If you genuinely care about someone, and want him or her in your life, wouldn’t you do what it took to keep him or her there? Unless they’re asking you to free fall from space (shout out to Felix) or climb Mount Everest, I like to think that most of the time, it’s not that difficult of a task, especially when you know they care about you as well.

So listen to me when I say that if someone is willing to let you walk out of his or her lives, then go. Don’t make excuses. Don’t justify their actions and try to romanticize them. And when they say they miss you, keep in mind that the only reason why they do is because they CHOSE to let you go.

 

Forbidden Fruit: the “Ex Factor”

At some point in time in our lives, we give ourselves over to the “ex factor”. We question our decisions to make our ex an ex forever. Was he or she really so bad? Maybe with enough time we can try again…Well, I’ve questioned that a few times myself and have had friends of mine do the same. But we have to remember, when the dust settles, our ex is an ex for a reason.

Sure there are the off-chance occasions in which a fight that leads to a break-up can be repaired through open and honest conversation; but for the most part, if the break-up happened, it was with good reason whether it’s seen in the present or further down the road. True, it happens, but the specific aspect of the “ex factor” is when we’re lonely after a break-up and we want to make a connection again. Some people choose one-night stands, some choose friend with benefits, some move on to rebound relationships, and others decide to change the look of the relationship with an ex and decide to make it “just sex”. And this last occurrence is what I feel to be the most dangerous of them all. After the initial anger and hurt diminishes and you can stand to look at that person without either bursting into tears or wanting to put a hit out on them, you may start to think that just maybe if you keep things on just a physical level, it might just work out and down the road they’ll see just how good you are together and everything will just solve itself.

WRONG. TURN AROUND NOW! RUN AS FAR AND AS FAST AS YOU CAN IN THE OTHER DIRECTION. I will promise you that this will be the worst idea you have ever had and that less than 10% of exes actually have this to work for them and that maybe about 1% of you that are thinking of doing this now or in the future may actually have a shot at being one of that sacred 10%. Believe me, if you thought the original break-up was bad, well honey, you definitely don’t want to be around for the sequel because there will be much of what happened in the first break-up with extended scenes and deleted clips that will make it that much more damaging to your heart, head, and psyche. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.

Do I think that exes can retain contact after a relationship? Yes, there are some who after some time can occasionally chat from time to time and keep in touch. Do I think it’s a good idea to become lovers with an ex after a break-up? Absolutely not. There is nothing good that can come of it. After a break-up, let go and heal and move on. Forbidden fruit may sound sweet, but I can assure you it’ll choke you up sooner or later.

So My Fingers Have A Vendetta Against My Better Judgment…Awkward…

Okay, I’ll admit it. I’m guilty of the angry break-up text, angry post break-up phone call, AND the angry post break-up emails. In my defense, I thought they were good ideas at the time. Okay fine, not so great ideas; but at risk of being seen as that “crazy B” after break-ups, I do feel a couple of those past instances were absolutely necessary. The post break-up communications are usually horrible ideas fueled by rage and the righteous indignation of “how dare you?!” that makes the recipients angry and the “scorned” a raving crazed lunatic.

I know that sometimes it’s hard to just quietly or rather separately process our anger over a break-up, but let’s think of it this way: Do you want to be scorned now and over it sooner by sucking it up moving forward or would you rather spread your rage all over the dumper not to resolve anything but to give them a real reason to have dumped you? That “who’s the bitch now?” doesn’t have quite the great comeback bit it did in our heads now does it…

Online Dating Is Silly

The world of online dating is fraught with humor, annoyance, pain, and a huge need of being able to read between the lines. Most of us at one time or another have either signed up on an online dating site or at least considered it (until we’ve heard about the casualties). Staff writer Rachel Brownjohn’s latest weekly post goes more into detail about online dating with a little bit of her own experience. Let us know! Are you an online dating skeptic, casualty, or success story?

 
So you know how I’ve alluded to my online dating before? Let’s get serious and talk about this. I have a problem with online dating. Not like a problem problem, one that would require anonymous support, I just don’t love it. But after reading a very well explained post by  fellow staff writer, Frank Friedlander, I did some pondering, maybe online dating is not the deepest darkest thing to do. I’ll come clean.

 

I have an OkCupid, y’all. Ugh. I hate myself for telling you this/ having one. But it’s so hard to meet people in the real world after college! Don’t you think? I spend a lot of time hanging out with my pre-established friend group and it’s tough to expand my grown up social circle. So I’ve cracked. And moved this party online.  I’m officially on my 5th round of OkCupid. I have a tendency to go on like three dates, start dating the third person more consistently, and delete my profile with the reasoning that, “Even if this doesn’t work out, I’ll meet someone else the good old-fashioned way!”. Lies. These are lies I tell myself. Unfortunately, if you completely delete your account, you have to start over from scratch. And I always delete, it’s those lies I keep telling, they get me every time.

 

So I’m back online again, sigh. But I have a confession, filling out an online profile is one of my all time favorite activities. Specifically, a silly profile (because no one is super-duper serious on a free online dating site, you know? ) I tried to fill out a Match.com profile once and it was nowhere near as exciting, trust me. I didn’t feel like I was grown up enough yet to explain myself the way they wanted me to. Maybe one day. But on OkCupid I get to go crazy. Body type?  Jacked. That’s right online daters, I know you can see from my pictures I’m regular looking but under these sundresses I’m like John Cena. Activities? Spinning in office chairs. This is actually true, but isn’t it silly to get to put that online?! Because if I’m being honest, I just really think all of dating is a bit silly. It’s one of the most important things to me (finding love! Woo hoo!), but silly.  I think we all have to have a pretty serious sense of humor to show up for dates with strangers, or get to know each other, or go on any adventures.
I wonder sometimes if maybe I should grow up online, stop being so silly, and really commit.  But what’s love good for if it can’t make us feel like little kids again? Carefree and full of life. That’s all I really want, so for now, silly I shall remain.

 

 

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When To Have Sex

This week’s latest post from staff writer, Stephanie Becerra, delves into the subject of when to have sex in a new relationship. It’s a common question with a not so common answer. What are your thoughts on “the right time”? 

When is it the right time to have sex? I’ve spoken to a lot of people about this and have received all types of responses. Some people say right away, others say on the third date, while still others say at least 6 months into the relationship. While 6 months may be a long time to wait, it may be the magic number. As much as we don’t want it to, sex changes things. If you’ve been seeing someone causally for a month and you jump into bed, things change. Either one of you will become more possessive and demand more from a still fledgling relationship or you may just lose interest. I’m not saying that sex is the only mystery in a relationship but it definitely makes it worthwhile if you wait and get to know the person you’re going out with. From personal experience, I’ve found that jumping into bed too soon ruins the dynamic between 2 people and interest is lost soon after. If you’re really serious about someone, wait. There is no hurry. I understand that hormones are a blazing at the beginning of a relationship but waiting will just make it all worthwhile when it finally happens. How long you wait is up to you. Follow your instincts and just do what feels right.

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