Domestic Wellness Part 2: The Domestic Vision Test

Staff writer Dallas Fitzgerald brings us the conclusion to his two-part blog series on domestic wellness. Enjoy!

 

Health insurance can be expensive, and even if you do have it, oftentimes the deductible is so high that it makes the insurance obsolete except in the case of a medical emergency.  Because of this, many uninsured people are forced to forgo seemingly trivial medical assessments like hearing and vision tests.

 

In this two-part blogging event, I introduced Domestic Testing, a radical innovation in wellness that allows spouses and partners to administer simple hearing and vision tests on each other from the comfort of their own home.  Last time, I discussed the Domestic Hearing Test, and this time,I will be discussing the Domestic Vision Test.

 

My wife has very bad vision—she’s practically blind without glasses or contacts—and so it is important that I, as her loving husband, help maintain her ocular wellness.  In order to do this, I have developed the Domestic Vision Test, or DVT.

 

The DVT is a fairly simple test that I administer to my wife on a weekly basis.  Using black washable marker, I write a sentence across the front of my body.  I start the sentence at the top of my chest using large letters, and I continue the sentence down to my belly button using smaller letters for each line of the sentence.

 

When I have finished writing the entire sentence across my body, I instruct her to lie down in the bed naked, remove her glasses and close her eyes.  I proceed to strip naked, and I walk into the bedroom facing her.  When I have positioned myself exactly four feet from the foot of the bed, I instruct her to open her eyes and begin reading the sentence.

 

She is able to read the first line with ease, even without her glasses: “This is a…” She reads the second line fairly easily as well: “…vision test…” By the third line, she starts to struggle with the words.  When she begins struggling, I take one step towards the bed and ask her to begin reading the sentence again.

 

This time, she can read the first, second and third lines fairly easily:  “This is a vision test for my…” She struggles with the fourth line of words.  I take another step towards the bed and ask her to begin reading the sentence again.

 

She reads the first, second, third and fourth lines with ease: “This is a vision test for my ocular wellness…” When she gets to the fifth line of words, she starts to struggle again, so I take a final step forward and position myself right at the foot of the bed.

 

She starts to read the sentence again, and this time, she reads the entire sentence without any problems:  “This is a vision test for my ocular wellness.  Do you want to have sex with me?”

 

I say, “Yes, of course I’d like to have sex with you sweetheart,” and since we’re both already naked, the Domestic Vision Test concludes with a thorough physical examination and a sexual wellness course.  I can’t wait until next week when she gives me my Domestic Vision Test!

 

This concludes the Domestic Wellness series.  I hope you enjoy administering the Domestic Vision Test as much as I did.

 

This article is not to be taken seriously.  I “test” my wife’s vision as a joke.  The DVT is not a serious wellness innovation.  Only someone specially trained in healthcare or wellness can administer a real vision test.   

 

 

Domestic Wellness Part One: The Domestic Hearing Test


This week, we will enjoy a two-fer from staff writer Dallas Fitzgerald. In this post, Dallas gives us part one in his domestic wellness series. Cheers!

 

Health insurance can be expensive, and even if you do have it, oftentimes the deductible is so high that it makes the insurance obsolete except in the case of a medical emergency.  Because of this, many uninsured people are forced to forgo seemingly trivial medical assessments like hearing and vision tests.

 

In this two-part blogging event, I will introduce Domestic Testing, a radical innovation in wellness that allows spouses and partners to administer simple hearing and vision tests on each other from the comfort of their own home.  This time, I will discuss the Domestic Hearing Test, and next time, I will discuss the Domestic Vision Test.

The Domestic Hearing Test, or DHT, is a fairly simple test that I administer to my wife at least once a week.  While my wife is in the living room, I go into the bathroom and whisper her name, “Jodee,” at a barely audible volume.  I wait a few seconds for a response.  If she does not respond, I increase the volume slightly and whisper, “Jodee,” again.  If she still fails to respond, I increase the volume a little bit more and whisper, “Jodee,” again.

 

I continue increasing the volume and saying her name until she responds, at which point I enter the data into a notebook that I have set aside to record the eventual decline of her hearing and vision.  So far, she has consistently scored a five at the distance of living room to bathroom, but on one occasion, she scored a seven because our noisy dryer was running and she had trouble hearing me over the racket.

My wife also administers this convenient test to me and records it in another notebook that she has set aside to record the eventual decline of my hearing and vision.  So far, I have consistently scored a three at the distance of kitchen to bathroom, but the kitchen is closer to the bathroom than the living room, so there’s no telling what my score would be if she altered the standard test distance.

 

By administering the test to each other weekly, we are able to calculate our average domestic hearing scores.  Then, as we each get older and our hearing gets worse, we can look back at our old scores and determine how much our hearing has declined.  A difference of one or two points indicates a significant decrease in hearing ability and suggests that it might be time to see a real doctor.

 

Thanks to the DHT, my wife and I have saved hundreds of dollars on unnecessary hearing tests, and our relationship has improved dramatically.  Nothing fosters love and desire more than testing your spouse’s hearing ability and recording it in a notebook that has been set aside for the express purpose of tracking your partner’s slow but steady physical decline.

 

Check out my next article in which I conclude my two-part series by introducing the Domestic Vision Test, or DVT.

 

This article is not to be taken seriously.  I “test” my wife’s hearing as a joke.  The DHT is not a serious wellness innovation, and half the time when I “test” my wife’s hearing, she smacks me on the arm and tells me to shut up and that she doesn’t need a hearing test.  Only someone specially trained in healthcare or wellness can administer a real hearing test.