Domestic Wellness Part One: The Domestic Hearing Test

This week, we will enjoy a two-fer from staff writer Dallas Fitzgerald. In this post, Dallas gives us part one in his domestic wellness series. Cheers!


Health insurance can be expensive, and even if you do have it, oftentimes the deductible is so high that it makes the insurance obsolete except in the case of a medical emergency.  Because of this, many uninsured people are forced to forgo seemingly trivial medical assessments like hearing and vision tests.


In this two-part blogging event, I will introduce Domestic Testing, a radical innovation in wellness that allows spouses and partners to administer simple hearing and vision tests on each other from the comfort of their own home.  This time, I will discuss the Domestic Hearing Test, and next time, I will discuss the Domestic Vision Test.

The Domestic Hearing Test, or DHT, is a fairly simple test that I administer to my wife at least once a week.  While my wife is in the living room, I go into the bathroom and whisper her name, “Jodee,” at a barely audible volume.  I wait a few seconds for a response.  If she does not respond, I increase the volume slightly and whisper, “Jodee,” again.  If she still fails to respond, I increase the volume a little bit more and whisper, “Jodee,” again.


I continue increasing the volume and saying her name until she responds, at which point I enter the data into a notebook that I have set aside to record the eventual decline of her hearing and vision.  So far, she has consistently scored a five at the distance of living room to bathroom, but on one occasion, she scored a seven because our noisy dryer was running and she had trouble hearing me over the racket.

My wife also administers this convenient test to me and records it in another notebook that she has set aside to record the eventual decline of my hearing and vision.  So far, I have consistently scored a three at the distance of kitchen to bathroom, but the kitchen is closer to the bathroom than the living room, so there’s no telling what my score would be if she altered the standard test distance.


By administering the test to each other weekly, we are able to calculate our average domestic hearing scores.  Then, as we each get older and our hearing gets worse, we can look back at our old scores and determine how much our hearing has declined.  A difference of one or two points indicates a significant decrease in hearing ability and suggests that it might be time to see a real doctor.


Thanks to the DHT, my wife and I have saved hundreds of dollars on unnecessary hearing tests, and our relationship has improved dramatically.  Nothing fosters love and desire more than testing your spouse’s hearing ability and recording it in a notebook that has been set aside for the express purpose of tracking your partner’s slow but steady physical decline.


Check out my next article in which I conclude my two-part series by introducing the Domestic Vision Test, or DVT.


This article is not to be taken seriously.  I “test” my wife’s hearing as a joke.  The DHT is not a serious wellness innovation, and half the time when I “test” my wife’s hearing, she smacks me on the arm and tells me to shut up and that she doesn’t need a hearing test.  Only someone specially trained in healthcare or wellness can administer a real hearing test.