Avoiding the Inevitable-Part 4: Fear

This week, staff writer Stephany Salinas continues her “Avoiding the Inevitable”series.

So far, I’ve covered familiarity, guilt, and love as far as the excuses go for not wanting to breakup with someone, besides the obvious fact that break-ups just plain suck.

This week, I want to cover fear. It’s going to be short and sweet, because it’s really a simple concept. And I don’t mean fear as in domestic violence or anything. If you’re in a relationship where you are fearing for your physical safety or health..leave. No questions asked, get out of it ASAP, no excuses.

The fear I’m talking about is a selfish one. The selfish fear of the unknown. If you are in a relationship with someone who is absolutely crazy about you, there’s a good chance they’re treating you like a queen/king. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, or that you don’t deserve it, but you have to ask yourself if it’s mutual. Are you treating them as well as they’re treating you? If the answer is no, then it’s become a one-sided relationship, and that’s unfair.

So why stay in it? Why do you continue to let this person basically make a fool of themselves when you aren’t even that interested? What is it that you fear?

Losing The Royal Treatment:

There’s a good chance that you’re afraid you’re not going to find anyone else who’s going to do the same for you. In all reality, it’s extremely hard to find someone these days who is going to treat you like that, so I don’t blame you. I dated a guy who basically moved me in, cooked for me, washed my clothes, and even bought me tampons. No joke, this guy went out ON HIS OWN and bought me my female necessities without me ever asking. Unfortunately, the relationship became unhealthy one, and things were falling apart fast. He became increasingly jealous, and we were heading in a lifestyle that I wanted no part of. I was 19, he was 27, and we wanted two completely different things in life. So why did I hesitate leaving?

Selfishness. I knew that finding another guy who was willing to treat me like royalty was going to be extremely difficult, so I tried dealing with all the flaws in my relationship. I justified his poor actions by remembering that he cooked me dinner the night before, or bought me my favorite movie to watch. It suddenly became okay that would get drunk and angry, because he took me out to dinner last weekend. It almost goes along with the guilt reasoning in one of my last entries. This is part guilt; mainly fear of losing being treated like royalty. Because, in all honesty, who doesn’t want to be treated like a king/queen?

Not Finding Love Again:

This is one we are all guilty of. Alright, maybe not all, but more than 90%. (Yay for making up statistics!). At the end of almost every bad break-up, you hear the phrase, “You’re never going to find anyone who loves you as much as I do”. At that moment, you hesitate. I did. I remember thinking what any young woman, and possibly man, would think. What if they’re right? What if you don’t find anyone else who falls in love with you?

Knock it off. Stop right there. There are 8 billion people in this planet. If you CAN’T find love again, it’s your own damn fault. There are so many kinds of love; it’s almost impossible not to run into it at some point. It’s all about what you want. If you’re not finding it, there’s a good chance there’s a good reason for that.

So before you continue to stay in a relationship because you’re afraid of never finding love again, stop and ask yourself if being miserable with someone is really worth it. Would you rather be miserable with someone, or be strong enough to be happy on your own, and let love find it’s way in when you’re ready?

Bottom line: Never let fear keep you in a relationship you know damn well you shouldn’t have any part in. Remember that you are strong, and that you WILL find someone someday who is going to treat you exactly how you deserve. Be patient, fearless, and keep your head held high.

Avoiding The Inevitable-Part 2: Guilt

This week, staff writer Stephany Salinas continues her “Avoiding The Inevitable” series with: guilt. Most of us have tried to avoid an inevitable break-up because we didn’t want to be the bad guy. But did we feel guilty because we didn’t want to cause our significant other heartache or because we didn’t want to be the target of an emotional hell storm?

 

Last week, I wrote about the familiarity aspect of a relationship that holds you back from doing the unfortunate task of breaking up with someone. This week, I’ll share with you yet another reason why people find it hard to break-up; Guilt.

At one time or another, most of us have been in a relationship where we just didn’t reciprocate the feelings of our significant other. They may have been crazy in love, head over heels for you, but the it wasn’t mutual. Yet, we continue staying in relationships like this because they make us feel better about ourselves. Who wouldn’t want a relationship that’s based around them, right? Wrong. It gets old, quick. When you become someone else’s world, you soon realize that the pedestal you’re on is pretty lonely, and boring.

It starts off great. You meet someone, and they’re so sweet, it’s unbelievable. In reality, it IS hard to find someone who is genuinely doing things out of kindness of their hearts and/or because they care about you. Let’s face it, the dating generation of today can be quite selfish, clueless, and careless. That being said, when you DO find someone who is willing to cater to your every need, you’re drawn to it. It starts off small and normal, with surprise lunches, cute texts saying how much they miss you, and all that adorable fun stuff that everyone shamelessly likes in the beginning of a new relationship. You see them constantly, because being without them sucks. You still get those funny feelings when you’re around them, because everything is new and exciting. You’re still learning about this person, and it’s fun. This is typically known as the “Honeymoon” stage. The stage every couple goes through.

Then, of course, the honeymoon stage is over. At this point, you ask yourself if you really like this person, or if it was just the thrill of meeting someone new that was exciting. Unfortunately, this is where things USUALLY get messy. Who knows, maybe you both decided, “Meh, it was fun, see ya later!” In a perfect world, all break-ups would be like that. Alas, we all know this world is far from perfect.

At this point, you’re still wondering if this is something you want to continue. Because you’re unsure, you’d rather stay in the relationship than potentially lose something you actually wanted to keep. As you continue through the relationship, for however long, you start to notice certain things that are suddenly annoying or unappealing. Whether it be physical traits or characteristics, you find yourself wanting to spend less time with this person. If you make it clear that you’re bored or unattracted to them, they try even harder to get your attention. That’s when you realize that you’re just not into them.

This actualization, like the realization of familiarity, may be sudden or gradual. For me, it was gradual, and a complete accident. Not only was I falling for someone else (a friend at the time), but I started realizing that I didn’t care about him anymore. I didn’t want to see him everyday, and I didn’t want him to accompany me when I went out with friends. His quirky literary imagination suddenly became annoying, and his obsession with wanting to be with me every chance he got went from being romantic to creepy. What’s worse, is every time I wanted to say something, I thought about all these romance novels and movies, and how what this guy was giving me was what every girl wanted. So why didn’t I want it? Why was I so different?

I wasn’t. I wasn’t different at all. I just wasn’t in love. At this point I realized that this guy was nuts about me, and I didn’t even remotely feel the same way. Now, I find myself to be a pretty nice person, and I try my best to never hurt anyone’s feelings, so I found myself stuck in a position where I was just clueless. How do you go about bringing up a conversation that you know is going to break someone’s heart? And this isn’t just a “maybe”, no, it’s a sure thing. His heart was going to be broken, he was going to be in pain, and it was going to be my fault.

So I did the worst thing possible; I waited. I waited and pushed it off as long as I possibly could, because for a moment, hanging out with him for a couple hours a day was bearable, compared to the heart break that I was eventually going to have to put him through. (Oh, and in case you’re wondering, the other guy I had started to get feelings for was still around, but we never did anything behind future-heartbroken boyfriends back. Cheating is for cowards.) So, I spent my days trying to avoid hanging out with my own boyfriend. I would make up excuses and say I was busy or had a lot of work/cleaning to do. After a few weeks, I realized what I was doing was even worse than breaking his heart. I was letting this guy think that everything was okay, and that I still loved him. I was leading him on, and that’s one of the worst things you can do in any relationship.

After I grasped this concept, I knew what I had to do. However, I was still struggling with how to bring about such a painful conversation, until our very last argument (as a couple).

I remember the exact moment it happened. I was outside tanning, and had been trying to make plans with my family. When I tried discussing these plans (that didn’t involve him) with him, he got upset. He was catching on. He asked why I had been MIA lately. I was concerned about leading him on and him thinking everything was okay, when, in reality, he was confused. That part of the relationship where you don’t know if everything is okay and you feel hurt and confused, that’s what I was putting him through.

At that moment, I knew I HAD to do it. I didn’t care about breaking his heart anymore, because what I was doing by procrastinating was even worse. So I called him and did what I had to do. Over the phone, it’s not too bad. It’s when I saw him in person a couple of hours later that was difficult. Looking into watery, heartbroken eyes is not an easy task, but one that you may have to endure during a break up. So we talked for about 45 minutes, which mainly consisted of him asking “why?”

Why? How do you tell someone you don’t love them? It’s tough. It’s extremely tough. Honesty can be extremely painful, but it’s a huge weight off of your shoulder, and a soon-to-be open door to happiness…with someone else.

So after a couple hours of dealing with the questions and anger from him, I finally felt free. I was happy. And honestly, that’s what matters most.

Never let guilt prevent you from ending a pointless relationship. The only way a relationship will be successful is if YOU are happy. If you’re not, realize that it needs to end, and that prolonging the break-up process because you feel sorry for the other person actually makes you pretty thoughtless.

Letting Go

This post by staff writer, Stephanie Becerra, bring valid points in the necessity of letting go of negative feelings regarding break-ups. Anger towards the person who you feel has wronged you might help in the beginning; but when it’s all you hold on to, those feelings poison you and prevent you from finding happiness. Read this post and comment if you find yourself relating to these feelings.

Don’t hold a grudge. Forgive and forget. Let go and let live. How many times have we heard these sayings throughout our lives? If you’re the type of person to hold a grudge, especially against former romantic partners, then I’m sure it’s been plenty. It’s easy to dole out relationship advice on the benefits of forgiving and forgetting and letting go of resentments, but it’s a different thing entirely to actually put that advice to use.

When a relationship ends, it can often times be messy. If it’s amicable, then wonderful but that’s the ideal situation that doesn’t often occur. In the cases of a break up due to infidelity, a grudge is expected, if not encouraged by those surrounding us. But in all honesty, who is this grudge actually hurting? I have had friends who loathe their exes for reasons that no longer matter once the relationship is over. Anger, hurt, betrayal – these are all normal emotions that occur when a sudden break up occurs. It’s fine to feel this way but to hold on to the feelings of anger for weeks, months, and years to come is not.

I have learned the hard way that the only way to move on is to let go. Let go of any past resentments and anger you harbor towards your ex. Of course like most things in life, this is much easier said than done. I myself am borderline self-diagnosed OCD and can become obsessed with the tiniest thing so letting go is extremely difficult. But it can be achieved. To do so, I will often ask myself, what would a “rational” person do? A rational person would realize that while I am holding these feelings of anger, my ex is off happily on their merry way and the only person who’s being affected by the negativity is me.

So while holding on to resentment and anger may make you feel better for the time being, at the end of the day the only one who’s getting hurt is you. My advice is to just let it go. It will take time and work and positive affirmations, but it can be done. And if not, make sure to flaunt someone much better looking in your ex’s face. But I suggest trying the former first.