I Have a Healthy Sex Drive and I’m Not Ashamed of It

I’ve always been fascinated with sex from a fairly early age. I basically inhaled romance novels growing up through my high school years fantasizing what it would be like to have someone who wanted me so much that they wanted to see me naked. Amazing! I pretty much knew the mechanics of it but was holding on with a tightly clenched fist to my girlish need for everything around my “first time” to be perfect. I wanted to have my first time to be with a guy I was madly in love with who would make sure everything about that time was perfect, just like in the books. I held onto this up to adulthood (18) and even slightly past. After dating for a while and not feeling the magic I thought I should feel when I KNEW this was the right time and person, I just found a guy I thought attractive and thought to be a likely candidate for enjoyment if not romance and everlasting love and slept with him. I knew the violin swelling romance wasn’t in the cards for this assignation, but damn it! Couldn’t I at least have some enjoyment?! Sadly no, I was in that ever-widening group of people whose first time they’d rather forget.

I didn’t give up sex after that to be sure; in fact, I went through a sexual discovery mission trying out various guys from different walks of life and fulfillment reasons for my purposes for almost two years until I decided to actually try a monogamous romantic relationship. The thing you never really get from romance novels is that a true relationship takes work and doesn’t just “happen”. Even “perfect” relationships require an effort from both parties and the understanding that communication is crucial to try to avoid repeat mistakes and having the same pitfalls follow the relationship. I felt fairly open sexually and even liberated with my previous experience, but I never really got real with myself about communicating my wants and needs in the bedroom. Once it wore down or I got bored, I would leave. When I was in a relationship and didn’t get what I needed to be satisfied, I got angry. Neither of these were really healthy responses. One response gave me the opportunity to “hit it and quit it” and not really have consequences for it; but the other just made sex a struggle and added problems to the relationship because I felt that if this person really cared for me, he would just KNOW what was wrong and fix it.

Sadly, real relationships aren’t like book or movie relationships. Your significant other can’t figure you out through osmosis and problems are not solved by leaving dramatically only to have you both to figure out that you’re perfect for each other without ever having to really solve whatever caused the fight and flight in the first place. I’m sorry, but relationships do get tense and hard situations and conversations will need to occur if any growth is going to happen.

Sex is a dance, it’s poetry, it’s art, it’s a gift, it’s a question, it’s an answer, it’s a connection. Sex should never be demeaning or shameful. I’m a healthy female who enjoys sex and is not afraid of it. It took quite a bit of introspection to get real about my feelings concerning sex. When I realized that sex is every bit as much about my wants and needs as it is about the guy’s, it became far more enjoyable for me to explore. Sex is an exploration, of your wants, your needs, your boundaries. Push your boundaries and have fun but be safe about it and never let someone else decide what your boundaries should be.

He Thinks You’re A Pain In The Ass

Staff writer Rigby Rat writes this week about the necessity of the right kind of communication and understanding and establishing boundaries.

Then why doesn’t he tell you?  Why is he telling me?

I had a guy come to the house to service my boiler.  I no sooner began telling him what the problem was, when his cell phone rang.  He said, “It’s my girlfriend.  She’s always calling and bothering me.  What a pain in the ass.  How about yours?”

How would you have answered?  I didn’t.  My personal life is none of his business.

Listen, if my guy were a pain in the ass, I wouldn’t be broadcasting it to the world, or commiserating with the boiler guy.  Instead, I would sit him down and clue him in.  “Babe, I love hearing from you during the day.  Let’s agree on exact times when we can talk.”  There, I just solved two problems: 1.  His calls come at times when they’re welcome and expected.  2.  He’s no longer a pain in the ass.

I wouldn’t commiserate with the boiler guy – or any guy for that matter.  Why?  I wouldn’t want him to get the wrong impression.  Meaning, just because you think we’re kind of in the same boat doesn’t mean I like you, or that we have some kind of connection.  Far from it.  If you’ve got a pain in the ass girlfriend and you’re complaining about her to me, if we become a couple, then it will only be a matter of time before you start bitching about me to the next woman who catches your eye.  No thanks!

Hey, boiler guy, if you took the time to apply yourself to learn how to fix boilers, you can take the time and apply yourself to learn how to fix what ails your relationship.