Jadori: An Introduction

In this post, new staff writer Jadori couples an introductory post with a personal story of her journey of being a plus-sized woman dating interracially.

 

I’m a fat girl. I admit it. I am what most men consider the bottom of the dating world. When I was in my teens, I always thought that I was going to have that high school love (ladies you know what I’m talking about). He would be that jock player the V.I.P that was not like the other guys on the team who liked you for you. But let’s get back to reality…when you’re a geek that doesn’t happen. It is even harder when you are a woman of color that is also a geek that is going to a school that is nothing but White people you are public enemy number one. Especially towards white girls they really hated me and to this day I never understood why. But then I realized I was a “foreign” desire for most of the white boys that I would walk by. I was not a normal high school girl but to them I was an experiment. Now, I can’t speak for white men because I am not one. However, I still find it very interesting that some white men when it comes to dating women outside of their race women of color are still being viewed as animistic in nature.

 

That is where my low self-esteem came from. When I would look at those horrible teen magazines such as Seventeen or YM all they talked about was white love and never about people of color who dated outside of their race. They especially never talked about us fat women. We were the minority especially in the 90s when the plus-size woman was just coming up on the market and it was slowly becoming oh ok to show your curves. But for me and many other plus-sized women out who are from a different racial group from looking at these magazines you are programmed to believe that white women are prefect especially if they are “in shape” or skinny for that matter. What ever happened to just focusing on being healthy and loving your body? When these white men would look at me I was something new to them: something that for some have never encountered in their life. For me as well having a super-curvy body and full-figured chest at such a young age was a confusing time for me as well. But then, I met a boy named Todd (not his real name) who sat by me one day and told me that I was beautiful. It was then that my world was truly flipped upside down. Those generalizations that I had about White men gave me a desire for them. These are the tips that I had learned from Todd about building self-esteem:

 

The more you work out, the better you will feel about yourself.

If you care about your outward appearance, you must admit your inner struggle in order to heal.

 

 

Here is a white man who is considered to be the top of the dating chain (at time now I feel black men and Latino men are heavily more desired) who wanted to understand the struggles that I faced as a woman of color and wanted to be with me. But of course for some white men they tend to fall under the pressures of other white people personalities change. Although it did not work out between us it helped to realize that if I could not love myself and be a strong woman of color for myself and keeping my health together then I am failing myself. By working out, it allowed me to let go of all of the stresses instead of eating my sorrows away. By being a part of this blog in sense is helping me to go through my inner struggle. I realize that I am not the perfect woman but by telling my stories I hope to help other plus-sized women who are going through the same issues.

 

 

Me, My Date, and OH MY EYES!

 

We all have some idea of what “looking good” means to us and have some sort of standard by which we measure any and all people we might want to get to know better. Sometimes it’s as simple as falling for an attractive face until they smile and you’re faced with a mouthful of bad teeth; sometimes it’s as simple as falling for an attractive body until you meet in person and find out that the picture was of someone else entirely   or taken a long, long, LONG time ago; sometimes, you run into people who are masters of appearances and are good until the clothes come off and the alcohol wears off and you’re faced with a “hairy situation”. So do yourself and your date a favor, be upfront about how you look. If your date doesn’t like the way you look, then it wouldn’t have worked out no matter what, but at least you save yourself and your date an unnecessary and awkward situation.

What Size Is Beautiful?

In a society that praises thin, you have to wonder: is there a magic size or weight that gains you entrance in the hallowed club of beautiful and if so, what is it? In thinking of this, I think of this quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet: “This above all: to thine own self be true.”

Now what does this really mean? How can one be able to be true to himself/herself? My interpretation of that quote would be to embrace what makes me ME. I have a quirky, off-beat sense of humor that can be a little dead-pan and biting. I use humor, wit, and sometimes sarcasm to make up for what I feel are my shortcomings, especially my biggest one, my weight. I’ve been many sizes over the years and have had different views of myself at those sizes. When I was a size 6, I felt flirty; I was more likely to buy short skirts to show off my legs and felt powerful and sexy. When I was a size 8, I felt a little more womanly, I had more curves and got a lot of attention on two specific areas: my chest and my butt. Now, let me tell you, I felt conflicted about how exactly to feel about the extra attention on these areas. For one thing, I’m a black female; I don’t want a big butt, a nice firm curve is great, but a big bubble butt is something I’ve never wanted. Secondly, I’m a black female with female family members who tend to have large chests; I thank God daily that I missed the hereditary butt; however, I didn’t escape my family genetics scott-free, I got the family breasts. I’m a 25-year-old female with no kids and natural size 38D breasts. I will admit that I’m not necessarily complaining about having my assets appreciated, but I’m not blind or deaf to the common conception that a woman who might be no more than a size 6 with my breast size tends to be more the ideal.

I have seen in my journey to MY ideal beautiful size that what I see in the mirror does weight heavily my decision on who I’ll consider dating as well as the clothes I buy. When I’m at my “skinny weight”, I tend to lean more towards the cocky bad boys who were made for quick flings. When I got more curvy, I tended to lean more towards the “nice guys” who were made for long-term relationships in which I felt secure in the knowledge that in their eyes, I was always beautiful even if I wasn’t model skinny. When it came to my clothing, I would dress more girly when I was “thin”, but when I was “fat”, I did the cardinal sin of “big girl fashion” and dressed to hide the lumps with baggy clothes and essentially dressed like I hated my body rather than make the best of how I was in that present moment and give myself the courage and honesty to work my way to a size and body I could love and felt that “yes, this is the true me”.

A few months ago, I got to my heaviest weight ever and was a solid size 12. Now at 5’10, this wasn’t a complete and utter travesty; but when I stood in front of the mirror with my naked body staring back at me, I realized that I had let things go too far and I didn’t feel beautiful anymore. In the past couple of months, I’ve lost nearly 30 pounds and have started to see the “old me”, the me that wanted to stand out and be fearless in how I presented myself. And let me tell you, it felt damn good. I realized that part of my decision-making process in concern with who I chose to date had less to do with certain winning attributes and more with those that wouldn’t make me feel fat because to society, they like myself were less than perfect physically and in the eyes of that same society, I was “the hot one” in the relationship. Sad, but honest and that is what I have based my blog on and my new journey in life, honesty.

So in answer to the title question, the size that is beautiful isn’t what society tells you is beautiful; it is the point at which you know without a doubt that you are being true to yourself. Don’t be a follower of the “should be”, be your own leader and step out of the shadows and embrace the true you.

He Wants Me To Shave My Pubic Hair Off…Should I?

Women at one time or another have all seen articles in magazines on the subject of “bare or there” for pubic hair. This week’s post by staff writer Rigby Rat covers this question giving reasons for keeping it natural down there. 

Abso-freaking-lutely not.  When it comes to your body, no one tells you what to do – or what not to do – with it.  Now, let’s talk pubic hair.  It arises during puberty.  It’s there for a reason.

So, who brainwashed women into shaving off their luscious, scent-catching mounds? You can thank the men who run the porno industry for making women denude themselves to look like a pedophile’s wet dream.  The salon industry saw dollar signs, and the rest is history: stubble, itching, and infections.

Your pubic hair protects and keeps your genital area free from foreign debris and germs (especially during sex and pregnancy).  It is also there to hold your body’s musk.  If your guy wants you shaved, you gotta stop and wonder why he isn’t turned on by the natural scent that clings to your pubic hair before, during, and after sex.

In addition, he’s asking you to look like an eight-year-old with tits as he bangs away at you.  Has porno so damaged men’s minds that some have lost the ability to get turned on by a woman looking and smelling like a woman?

Pubic hair is a sexy necessity. It belongs on your body.  So, if he asks you to shave it all off and you prefer to stay natural, say “No, I enjoy looking like a woman.”  Then feign headache, send him home, and set your sights on a real man who goes crazy over your scent when he’s down there, or has his fingers inside you.

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SUCKING A CAN OF SPAR VARNISH

For those of you who swear by your makeup bag and won’t be seen without mascara and lipstick, this article by staff writer Rigby Rat is for you!  

While having dinner in a quiet NYC restaurant recently, my friend and I couldn’t help but overhear a young shrew rant about her guy’s facial stubble, unkempt head of hair, and hideous chest tattoos. What set her off?  He stated that he preferred her without makeup – that he liked the natural look.

Some women hide their flaws with makeup, while others may insist makeup enhances their beauty.  Whatever your reason for applying war paint,  know this – some guys just don’t like the artificial look.

So, what exactly did this guy mean when he said he preferred her without makeup?  Unfortunately, he didn’t say, but I’ll take a stab at it:  “Your black eyeliner is a wee bit too Elvira, and your lips – they look like you’ve been sucking a can of spar varnish for the past week.”

Face it ladies, some of you just don’t know how to apply makeup.  So, when your guy tells you he prefers the natural look, instead of becoming defensive, wonder why your gal friends don’t have your back.

 

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Label or Individual

We are all well aware that “what’s in” and “what’s not” are determined by society; but these things are mostly decided by a select few that tried something and made it work. And as a result, gained a following that showed the public how it should be. Two areas in which this is heavily shown is fashion and body image; more times than not, these areas coincide and merge to become the same issue.

With fashion, we are told that to be sexy, edgy, elegant, or professional we have to have a certain look, a certain designer brand, even certain hairstyles. While there are instances in which following a trend can be a game changer for us, it shouldn’t be at the expense of erasing everything that makes us stand out from the crowd. A person’s worth shouldn’t be determined by how many designer labels are in a person’s closet, but should be determined by what that person brings to the table.

There’s a saying by Mark Twain: “Clothes make the man.” This quote has almost been made into a religion. The fashion industry has become a ruling force in society in more ways than the quest in maintaining sartorial perfection. It also affects us mentally and emotionally by making us relive our fears and insecurities about acceptance. We’d like to think that we’re above the need to fit it; after all, we’re adults. We have jobs, responsibilities, and other adult rites of passage. We have friends; we’re well liked at work and have a good life. Logically, we KNOW this; but let’s face it, the junior high/high school experience never ends. The only difference in adulthood is that your parents and teachers can’t help you. The field is wider, there are no real rules, and the gloves are off. It’s truly a matter of who has the stronger mind and personality. So in this final thought, are you a label or a person?

 

 

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