It’s easy to imagine lust might really be affection, but can affection in a first step towards love grow out of a relationship based on sex? Do you and your partner actually communicate about anything other than about sex? Do you have anything in common to build a relationship on if sex wasn’t the main component? Would you actually be okay with being seen in public with your sexual partner or do you just see them as a guilty pleasure to be hidden away but never associated with publicly to those that are within your inner circle? Is your reasoning for not making your casual sex partner a mutually decided one of just fun and sex only, are you ashamed of association with him/her because their not your “dating type”, or are you ashamed to admit how you began your association with each other? If there is shame, there can’t be true affection. At the end of the day, the questions that need to be answered are: does this person add to my life? or does this person just scratch an itch?
It’s been a while since I’ve written a series for the blog so here goes! This is the start of my “relationship factor series”; but just as an early warning, I will over the course of the series refer to it as the “alphabet series”. Share your thoughts, share the posts, and share the love!
The “A” Factor: Affection. Affection is a huge proponent of relationships. To be in a successful relationship, you’d have to feel some affection for the one you’re with, no? But how do you show affection? Do you show your affection through words, through actions, through touch? I personally like a combination of all the above. I want to hear the words, I want to be shown affection through little and big gestures, I want to feel it in an embrace…a kiss. I think thoughts, words, actions and physical shows of one’s regard are all crucial in a healthy relationship and why shouldn’t we want to enjoy all these things in a relationship?
One thing that seems to be a common vehicle of relationships is a “field of dreams approach” to happy ever after. I don’t disagree to this approach on the face of it; however, I do disagree with how most people “build their fields”. I believe that honesty is the undisputable piece of land that all relationships must be built upon. Love can be a wonderful thing, but it also one of the most powerful. Love is blind, a chameleon, a veritable jack of all trades that can be a master of someone to the point that nothing else matters than the object of that love. When this happens, the field of love becomes obsession. This obsession is usually based on a tunnel-visioned dishonesty. By this, I mean that the “obsessed one” is so full of their own feelings that they feel that the feelings are mutual; but that for whatever reason, these feelings are not out in the open. So they build a life based on what they feel the one they love need or want whether they actually have the encouragement or not.
Building a relationship should be a team effort. It should not be a “let me build a life for them and let them come to the realization that THIS is what they want”. It should be based on honesty (self and with others), respect, affection, communication, and mutual love. If there are red flags, don’t ignore them. Face them head-on and determine whether or not they are deal breakers. If they are, move on; if they can be worked on, get some objective help and work on those problems together.
When building something yourself, the work may be hard but the finished product brings satisfaction. When building a relationship, sharing the work can be a little trying at times because let’s face it, nothing and no one’s perfect; but when you keep communication at the forefront and let each other know that you’re there for one another, the finished product can bring even more satisfaction. Just keep in mind that the finished product is a constant work in progress just like the people working on it.
The building starts with you and needs to move on to include who you want with you on your field of dreams. Start the building with self honesty and when you’re ready for company, don’t forget to send the invites!