Am I Bringing a Knife To a Gun Fight?

It’s easy to feel as if relationship fights and arguments are like a battle you must prepare for. You would be right. But put down your weapons and come to the field empty handed, open-minded and open-hearted and an attitude of being ready to listen most likely even more than you should talk. It’s a battle of hearts against your discord, NOT each other. So no bloodshed please.

When you come to battle your differences, do so with a mind towards working together even if the outcome may not be what you came to the table to accomplish. We all have ideal plans for how we want things to go. Sometimes, this actually happens; more times than not, it ends in very unexpected ways sometimes leading to extended meetings to come to a treaty of sorts. You’re only as effective as you let yourself be. If you come into it with a single-minded focus, you’ll lose sight of some of the side notes that could have helped your cause or even have given an even better outcome than you originally thought possible. Fights are necessary to relationships and can even be beneficial if they are the RIGHT kind of fights and we have and use the right tools to get through them in a healthy way. You fight for what you need, you fight for what you believe in. Your tools are open communication, honesty, time, listening not just hearing your partner, and a willingness to go back to the table sometimes to figure out a healthy viable game plan to get back on or to stay on track TOGETHER. The most important thing about being in a healthy relationship is that you have to be on the same page. You can’t be divided and hope you’ll end up on the same side in the end. You have to be in it together from start to finish. An unsupported relationship is like a sand castle, it might be fun to build in the beginning; but at the first good wave, it will all wash away. Don’t get me wrong. You yourself must be strong yourself before you can be strong as a team, but trust is an irreplaceable mortar you can’t maintain a relationship without. Build trust, maintain trust and there will be no need to bust out your war arsenal because you will know and understand there are better ways to end a fight.

Advertisements

Perfect

We go about our lives looking for something that will measure up
To the ideals implanted in our minds through outside forces
Being influenced by what we feel should be, what must be
Never giving much thought to what can be
We let our fears and others push our decisions
Praying that we make the right ones
Hoping for something wonderful
Needing something that makes us feel as if we belong
Something that feels perfect.

A Break Is Just a Break Until It Leaves Things Broken

We’re all familiar with the concept of a break-up. It means the ending of one relationship, whether it is amicably or painfully is up to those involved. A break-up is usually the result of a breakdown of some vital piece of the relationship. Sometimes this might be communication, sometime trust, sometimes want, and sometimes even a connection at all to the other person and the relationship itself. What causes this breakdown? I don’t have an answer for that as it’s different for everyone. Do we sometimes use a break-up as an escape route when things get too deep? Yup. Relationships are scary. They’re hard and require our emotions and minds to be continually firing on all cylinders. Can they overwhelm and overtake our lives to an unhealthy point to exacerbate the scariness? Absolutely, especially when not managed properly in considering your healthy needs and what’s healthy for the relationship. Both parties have to be on the same page. For this to happen, you have to talk TO each other, not AT each other or AROUND each other. You can’t expect to make it through tough times if you can’t trust each other enough to give each other the due respect of communication. It’s not always sunshine. To preserve the good times, you have to go through some rain to get greener pastures in your own relationship. Caring about someone else is equally active and inactive, we just have to find the balance of knowing when to act and when to wait. A break once made can’t always be repaired. Consider that before you make a break-up your solution when a break could be what’s needed along with thorough extended communication. Never let fear control your judgment. What has been can help you figure out how to determine what is but isn’t always what could be unless we allow ourselves to only repeat the pattern and not learn and grow.

Do I Love Myself Enough To Work Towards the RIGHT Relationship?

This is a question that an alarming majority of us neglect to consider and really think about when making a move towards being in a relationship. We fail to really comprehend that before we can truly love others, we must first love and know ourselves. If we love ourselves, we know what love feels like and are more aware of what we need from those who we want to love and love us in return. Part of that is the convoluted belief that a “love mate” is supposed to complete us or provide something we’re missing. That’s a heavy load to put on anyone. If you can’t make yourself happy, how in the world can you expect someone who will always know you less than you know yourself to get you to a place that you yourself haven’t been able to attain. This is lazy, foolish and irresponsible. If you want happily ever after, then you have to put in the work. Love is a feeling that’s usually in the human rolodex of emotion; but to keep it, to make it something that’s so much a part of you that it’s something that’s a non-debatable daily practice, is something that is very much like losing weight. You take an objective look at where you are presently, decide what your end goal is, make a realistic plan to achieve that end goal, and get to work towards that goal. Now while yes, I put this in an almost simplistic 4 step plan; the planning isn’t usually the hard part, it’s what you have to do to get to your final goal. It’s not easy; but then again, nothing worth having ever is.

In the end, the questions we need to be able to honestly answer to ourselves are these: do I feel I am worthy of a full, healthy, honest love? Am I healthy enough and strong enough in myself to actively be in a relationship with someone else while I balance my relationship with myself? And do I want to be with someone for the RIGHT reasons? This last question is the kicker. We usually feel we ultimately seek a relationship because we’re ready to share ourselves with someone to explore ourselves further while learning the other person. But sadly, this isn’t always the case. Sometimes, we just want or need someone to validate us a person worthy of being noticed and desired by others. Sometimes yet, we want or need someone to make us feel good be that sexually, mentally, or emotionally. And other times, we just don’t want to be alone.

In closing, the best advice I can offer you in the quest of happy ever after is above all else, choose what will keep you healthy and whole for the long term. Do the hard analysis and figure out if what you want or what you may have is beneficial for both sides in the long run. It may be painful in the short term if you find your answer is “no” and you should cut your losses now, but a little pain now could save you a boatload of pain in the future.