This week’s post by staff writer Rigby Rat focuses on why some men have problems with communication in relationships.
It starts when he’s a little boy. The first person who wreaks havoc on his young impressionable brain and heart is – you guessed it – his mother. One way she forever changes her son: with her stinging, manipulative words.
I was at a friend’s backyard swimming pool. Her sister, Rita, was there. Rita’s five-year-old son, Max, was standing on the diving board, crying. He did not want to dive off and into the deep end. Rita said this: “What are you afraid of? Be a little man and dive off!”
Max looked to me for help. Rita immediately saw the connection and ramped it up. She said, “What’s the matter, you can’t be a little man like your father? You’re pissing me off. Just jump!” On that manipulative note, the frightened Max – tears streaming down his red cheeks – dove into the pool.
That day, Rita got her way, and Max learned four things:
1. That if he doesn’t allow a female to get her way, he’s going to get verbally and emotionally beat up.
2. That if he doesn’t allow a female to get her way, he won’t be looked upon as “manly”.
3. So, not to anger a woman and keep the peace, he should always cave.
4. When you cave to a woman, you hand your balls over to her.
The sad thing about this scenario is, Max is growing up thinking all women operate like his mother. Because he thinks this way, and because his mother isn’t teaching him how to express his feelings – or express them appropriately – Max has ceased expressing his feelings.
When a man doesn’t express his feelings, we are led to believe that men are from Mars and women are from Venus.
Men are not from Mars. They come from their mothers’ wombs.
Baby boys are born able to express their feelings. Max was. I saw his tears. Sensed his fear. How come his mama wasn’t being receptive to Max’s feelings, desires, and needs?
While Max stood crying on the diving board, Rita bullied her son. Boys should never be bullied by their mothers, fathers, or coaches. They should never be manipulated into burying their feelings, wants, or desires. Instead, they should be encouraged to express their feelings – especially fear – without being judged weak.
Now you know where your guy’s deer-in-headlights look comes from when you’re having that big blow-up. Blame his mother. Now you know why his communication skills are lacking. Blame his mother. Now you know why he hasn’t any balls. Blame his mother. Now you know why the only way he expresses himself is with anger. Blame his mother.
On the flip side, guys, once you’re finished blaming your mother, unlearn the behavior mama taught you: clamming up and caving. It’s never too late to restore what you were born with: the ability to express your feelings.