Trick or Treat

Now most of us are well aware of the power of an artful seduction. You can make someone bend to your will or simply get your endgame moved to your timeline. I’m a huge fan of seduction, but one must realize that there are boundaries that must be observed and never be crossed. Most women would love to be able to have the sort of confidence to pull off a seduction ala Sharon Stone from Basic Instinct to use every movement of your body, every bit of eye contact, every word and inflection to bring a guy to his knees until he can’t even think of anything else until he declares himself your willing slave. Remember, seduction is an art not a marathon. It’s all about the build-up. The endgame isn’t always the same on both sides, but both side will be getting something out of it if done right. It’s a dance, a song, a whisper, a flame…it’s subtle and intense often at the same time. Seduction can be power or a gift…the question for every seducer or seductress is whether they use this as a trick or treat. With great seduction comes great expectation. Use responsibly.

Here’s my trick and treat of today! Hope you find this a treat for the mind! Happy Halloween!


Nagging Whispers

This week, staff writer Dallas Fitzgerald discusses the situation of the wrong relationship and the nagging whispers we hear even when we might choose to ignore them.


About ten years ago, a punk-rock band called SR-71 released a song called “Right Now.”  While the song itself is unremarkable (cookie-cutter pop-punk riding the coattails of Blink 182’s success), the refrain contains a lyric that could be used to sum up the way I felt during at least a few of my past relationships.  The line goes, “I know she may not be Miss Right, but she’ll do right now.”


Everyone knows how it feels to be in a relationship that just isn’t going to last.  Sometimes this realization sneaks up on you slowly and quietly, like a nagging whisper; other times, the realization comes screaming out at you all at once.


One time, I was on my third or fourth date with a woman, let’s call her “L”, and we went out for drinks at a small neighborhood tavern.  “L” was loquacious to begin with, but with each finished drink, she talked more and more; faster and faster, until eventually I had to excuse myself to go the bathroom.

While I was in the bathroom, I made the decision to bail out the back door instead of returning to the bar to tell “L” that I was leaving.  The back door led to an outdoor patio that was fenced in, but there was a tree with low-hanging branches inviting me to climb over the fence.  I used the branch to pull myself up and over the fence, and I was six blocks away before she texted me and asked me where I went.  In hindsight, this was a classless move on my part, but I, like Jamie Foxx, blame it on the alcohol.

In this particular instance, the realization that my relationship with “L” wouldn’t last literally came screaming out at me, and despite my drunken lack of common decency in the way I removed myself from the situation, it was an easy decision.


It is more difficult to deal with the nagging whispers.  When I was a junior in college, I fell in love with a girl; let’s call her “E.”  We dated all that school year, and through the summer, but when senior year came around, I started hearing the nagging whispers.   She wanted to be a 1st grade teacher, and I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life.  We had no future in common, but we both loved and cared about each other.

She must have been hearing the whispers as well because she broke up with me in December of that year.  The break up was hard on both of us.  Sometimes the weight of the future bears down on the present and can slowly dissolve even the strongest of bonds between two people.


The break up was by no means final.  We tried different arrangements in the ensuing months:  a pseudo-relationship (pretty much the same as a regular relationship except with the implicit understanding that there is no future for the two of you as a pair), a friends-with-benefits relationship (I messed that up by getting drunk at a bar and making out with another girl in front of her), and finally, a sleep-together-once-in-awhile-but-don’t-talk-or-see-each-other relationship (basically a futile attempt to stave off the inevitable while also satisfying each other’s sexual needs because, hey, the sex was pretty good).

As with most indefinite break-ups of this sort, there was no final good-bye, just a series of encounters in which we slowly drifted further and further apart until sex and communication just sort of stopped.  On one of these final encounters, “E” gave me a CD that she had made.  I guess it was a sort of parting gift.

On the CD, there was a song from the musical Wicked called “As Long As You’re Mine” (Sung by Idina Menzel and Norbert Leo Butz).   One of the lines from the song goes, “Say there’s no future / For us as a pair/ And though I may know / I don’t care.”

Listening to this song put my relationship with “E” in perspective, and I only wished that she had given it to me earlier.  It’s sometimes difficult to end things when you start hearing those nagging whispers telling you that there’s no future for your relationship, but it is not the ending that is important.  It is how you handle the moments that you have left.

During the dying days of my relationship with “E,” I found myself wondering where we had gone wrong and how we might salvage our relationship instead of allowing myself to enjoy the moments that we still had left.  Even relationships that last sixty-five or seventy years are built on a series of moments, so even if your current partner is not Miss or Mr. Right, enjoy the moments you share.


Of course, if those moments prove totally intolerable, then by all means excuse yourself to go to the bathroom, sneak out the back door and climb a tree over the patio fence, figuratively, of course.

The Lesson of the Maize Maze

Fall, a time of natural beauty, a lovely selection of warm drinks, and the start of prime cuddling time…oh, and the fall activity of the corn maze. Now, if you’re planning activities with your sweetie, of the moment or long-term, make sure it is something that you are positive to not take your sweetie’s head off or at least contemplate picking up something heavy to slug them over the head with. I speak from personal experience. In the past, I enjoyed a good maze and had fun figuring out all the clues and getting lost; but when it came to my last two exes, one was the annoying “I’m so smart and can figure out any clue and can find my way out of anyplace” guy and the other was the ” I’m above childish activities martyr” guy. One I wanted to bludgeon over the head to shut him up; and the other, I wanted to find a sharp object to stab him and cheerfully bury him in the maze and continue my merry way through the rest of it and the other activities the farm had to offer. While no physical harm came to either guy, with one, there was a chilly silence for most of the ride home and the other put such a meaning on the phrase: “grin and bear it” my gums hurt from the effort.

So please, learn from my example. You don’t have to do everything one or the other. of you enjoy together. Sometimes, it’s just better to do it alone or just do it with friends. Don’t end up on Snapped and don’t end up in “Morons in the News” on The Bob and Sheri Show. You may have people who completely understand your “snapped moment”, but I think the law would be less forgiving.

Does Size Matter?- Part Two

Staff writer Rigby Rat continues to discuss the subject of how much size really factors in sexual relationships.


Your penis size makes no difference if she doesn’t sexually desire you.  And too often a woman dates a man not because she sexually desires him, but because he fills a void.  I know what you’re thinking, “But the sex was hot in the beginning.”  I’m sure it was.

Look, everyone knows – when the dating begins – that the sex is radioactive.  Right?  (At least that’s what he thinks.)  But is the sex real?  Too often it isn’t because women fake orgasm.  They fake orgasm because women know they can’t snag a guy unless the bedroom show is like a Cirque du Soliel extravaganza.  And that is why the sex is hot in the beginning.  Now you’re thinking, “Then how do I know if she truly desires me?”  Good question.


A. She initiates sex as much as I do.
B. She initiates sex more than I do.
C. She initiates sex outside the bedroom.
D. She initiates sex during the day.
E.  It’s way past the dating stage and she still initiates sex.
F.  We’ve been married for ________ years and she still initiates sex.
G.  All of the above.

You say: “Okay, she doesn’t truly desire me, but I don’t want to give up on her.  So, what exactly goes into an orgasm?”

The answer to that question is letter D: I’ll ask her and get back to you. (See DOES SIZE MATTER, Part One, 10/23/12.)

Yep, you need to get inside her head before you get inside her body.  And remember, she is not your ex.  She is somebody new and different.  Which means, what worked for Ginger doesn’t mean it’s going to work for Abbey.  Hence, you gotta ask Abbey.

Also, it’s not just what goes into a woman’s orgasm, it’s what DOESN’T go into a woman’s orgasm that matters as well.  What doesn’t go into a woman’s orgasm?  Again, each woman is different.  So, ask her. To help you until then, here are just a few things that don’t go into a woman’s orgasm.  Meaning, do the following and rest assured she’ll just lie there like a blow up doll:

1.  Lie to her.
2.  Text/call your ex-girlfriend.
3.  Talk about your ex-girlfriend.
4.  Act insecure.
5.  Act and talk like a dimwit, prick, etc.
6.  Be verbally and physically abusive to her.
7.  Treat her like she’s your mother.
8.  Emotionally blackmail her to get your way.
9.  Set your emotional baggage at her feet.
10. Watch porn.
11. Hang out with your guy friends instead of her.
12. Spend your money on drugs and alcohol.

No doubt, many women could add to this list – a few guys, too.  And you should.

Bottom line, penis size is the least of your worries when it comes to pleasing a woman.  Women need to be pleased in other ways.  First and foremost, they need to feel your love.  Love is what you inwardly are, and what you outwardly do.  Love can be real, love can be an illusion.  Many times after dinner and a movie and a roll between the sheets, it’s an illusion.  Yet, you both mistakenly call it love.  Oh, well, live and learn.  And the other lesson for today is: penis size only counts in porno movies because porn peddlers need to lure the curious, the insecure, and the fops to sell their movies to.

Now You Can Touch

Staff writer Frank Friedlander discusses “married sex”.


Sex. Did that get your attention? It always does, and it should. In the case of marriage, sex is something that oft becomes forgotten, if not avoided. In other cases yet, it becomes a chore or a routine, something scheduled. I laughed my ass off watching Married With Children back in the day, but no marriage should mimic that of the Bundys.


“So are we going to have sex tonight” is a question that should never be asked. What’s worse is “are we going to have sex this week,” which can become are we going to have sex this month,” and so on, and so forth. If any variations of this question are asked in your household, you’re doing it wrong. The question is really no less ridiculous than asking, “So should we catch a cold?”.


Sex is something that should just happen, and certainly never be penciled into a calendar. It would be ideal to simply take your spouse, rip his or her shirt off, throw them to the bed, couch, or even table at a moments notice, and go to work. Caveman style, minus that whole clubbing them over the head and dragging them off by their hair part.


Sadly, this just isn’t possible in most homes. That type of thing tends to traumatized your children, if you have any. This isn’t to say that spontaneity should be cast away. Once the kids are in bed, or at gramma’s, anything goes; at least it should.


To go beyond that, Sex should be kept fun and interesting. Strive for something new. A new position is always a treat. Playing dress up is also something that adds a hell of a spark to even the dullest bedroom. If you can work props into the equation, even better.


Having sex on a regular basis is the ultimate tension breaker. There are problems that even a wild, sweaty, passionate night of anything goes lovemaking can’t fix. However, if you’re able to have enough wild, sweaty, passionate nights of lovemaking before a marriage reaches that point, you stand a better chance of not reaching said point to begin with.


I understand that there are many marriages in which one or both partners feel as though they are bored with one another from a sexual standpoint, which leads to it becoming dull or routine. Perhaps they should mix things up. It’s not what you do; it’s how you do it. Who knows white kind of deprave type of shit you can get your spouse to do that you never would have imagined.


In an ideal relationship, anything should go. You should be able to do whatever you want to one another, within reason. Good God, there are more things that two people can to one another sexually than imaginable.


The ultimate goal should be that no matter how many years a couple has been married, they shouldn’t be able look at one another without the urge to rip one another’s clothing off and go to town. So tonight, to hell with whatever you have planned. Guys:If the first thing that comes to mind tonight when you think of the word “fantasy” is football, you need help. Gals: you can DVR The Real Housewives of who Gives a Shit and watch it, how about never. When the kids are asleep, get primal, sans the whole clubbing them over the head, and dragging them off by their hair. Unless he or she is into that type of thing, and if so, nice work if you can get it.




When Cheap Talk Becomes an Expensive Problem

I’m sure most of you are familiar with the phrase: “talk is cheap”. While I get the lesson behind it: actions speak louder than words; I’m of the opinion that while this phrase is catchy, it’s not quite telling the whole story. While talk may not always cost anything upfront, it’s most definitely NOT cheap. This becomes more and more apparent as we continue to heedlessly let things come out of our mouths not realizing the fallout looming ahead. Almost no other situation makes this case as strongly as relationships. We make little promises about date nights, gifts, vacations,status, etc..all the time. Baring financial, serious professional conflict, or health, a person should keep his or her word. If not for the sake of follow-through itself then to at least keep us honest and accountable. Some are of the opinion that it’s better to ask forgiveness than to ask permission, but I disagree with this a lot of the time. I’d rather avoid unnecessary conflict; and if I already know that I’ve spoken sooner than I should have, I’d rather ask for permission to amend an earlier comment, plan, or idea than to let it fall through the cracks altogether.

My advice: Shut your mouth more and let your mind calculate the cost before your “cheap talk” needs a budget and an advisor.