Let peace be the guiding force of your relationships. Where peace resides, there love can enter and flourish.
Readiness is more than a date and time; it is confidence and faith that you can handle whatever comes next.
Drama only breeds drama when it is given something to feed on; take things in stride and create calm to balance out the upset of drama.
This first post by new staff writer Frank Friedlander shows us how insignificant things can keep us in the “first date cycle”. While first dates can be new and exciting, stuck repeating them with a new person and never moving on to date two gets old real quick.
This being my first posting for this blog, I figured that it would be fitting to theme the debut entry around firsts. More specifically, I’d like to discuss first dates, and why they often fail to result in second dates. In accordance to many of the tales that I’ve been told, and half-heartedly listened to, a significant portion of the reasons why people decide that they would just as soon not move on with round two with a particular suitor are simple technicalities. Failures to follow the unwritten guidebook per-se.
Allow me to explain myself. When people, much of the time women are griping about the guy they recently went out with, and why they don’t intend to see him again, the reasoning doesn’t tend to make sense from my point of view. Rather than not clicking with this person, or him simply being a scumbag it’s due to superficial customs that many individuals determine to be strong indicators of the overall date. These include bringing flowers to the door, pulling out your chair before you sit down, and even picking up the dinner bill, which was once a given for a gentleman to do. In other cases, men and women alike will actively spend the evening examining their date for flaws. If that is how the evening is spent, rather than simply enjoying yourself, there’s no question that you are not as likely to get the most out of it, and as a result, are not likely to want to see them again.
More importantly, everyone has their share of flaws and quirks, and if you choose fixate on discovering them, almost as if there ‘s a reward involved, you’re sure to win it. Repeat this process with each potential suitor, the end result will be a plethora of first dates, and next thing you know eight cats are watching re-runs of Melrose Place and Party of Five with you every Friday and Saturday night.
To sum it up for you, someone who seems comfortable being himself/herself and acting as naturally as possible when you first go out with them should be of the utmost importance. I stress the “as possible” part because it’s not abnormal for people to be nervous when going out with someone for the first time, so if they seem a bit off, it could be taken as just that. Perhaps he forgets to pull out the chair for you, or pick up the bill for dinner feel free to jot it down in the notebook in your head, but pay more attention to the conversations. Take note of what you have in common and if there appears to be a genuine chemistry. If he or she represents a good match, you should indeed go forward with the relationship, assuming that the other party is interested as well. If all goes well, then several months down the line it could be time to begin zeroing in on those little flaws and quirks and remedy them one by one. If you’re good enough at it, they’ll never even notice and next thing you know, that lump of clay that forgot to bring you flowers or open the car door for you has been molded into the man of your dreams.
Finding true love is finding someone who can deal with your craziness, your temper, your cry-baby moments, and still love you when you look like death warmed over.
In a word, sex. It’s one of the oldest tricks in the book. He pays for the lodging, air fare, and the single room. In return, he expects you to have sex with him. You still want to board that jet?You hardly know him. He asks if you want to get away for a few days: the Caribbean. His treat. You think, “Wow, no hot-looking guy has ever whisked me away for the weekend. Wait till I tell my posse.”
You arrive at the hotel by noon, finish your oh-so-relaxing hot stone massage by 4:00, and take the last bite of your scrumptious dessert – Duckanoo – at 9:00. Before you head back to your room, he drinks a little too much at the hotel bar. In the lobby, a brunette wearing a tight, low-cut dress waits for the elevator. He smirks, salivates, and stares at her like an addled teenager hooked on porn sites and Gatorade. You suddenly realize, “In a little while, I’ll be lying in bed next to this jerk!”
Once inside your room, he asks, “You going to slip into something sexy, or what?” Then, he takes his shirt off revealing a back full of pimples. Now, you definitely don’t want to sleep with him. (He ain’t looking so hot now, is he?) You tell him, “I don’t know if I can do this”. That pushes his button because he’s been rejected before. Except, you don’t know that – because you don’t know him. Your thought is to get out of there fast, but you stupidly maxed out your credit cards. Even if you called your posse for funds, all the hotels are booked and the next flight isn’t until morning. You feel isolated. Trapped.
He roughly pushes you onto the bed. He forces his tongue down your throat. His breath smells like stale beer and onion rings. You decide, “It’ll be over soon.” Minutes later, you realize that you just had intercourse with a virtual stranger. You cry softly while your assailant sleeps soundly.
You ask, “What if I had been firm and said, ‘No, we’re not doing this’.” Sometimes that works, sometimes it makes matters worse. When you turn down the sexual advances of a man you don’t know, there’s a good chance he will feel rejected. Men whose sexual advances are rejected often become abusive or violent. So violent, they rape. Some even kill.
A friend of mine flew from New York to Vegas for a weekend with a guy she barely knew. They both worked for the same company – he in accounting, she in human resources. Before she went through security, I tried to convince her to either not go, or book her own room. She did neither. When I picked her up late Sunday evening at the airport, designer sunglasses were covering a black eye. He hit her because she wouldn’t perform oral sex. When I asked if she pressed charges she said, “No. He told me if I did, he’d make my life miserable at work. And Rig, I’ll never do anything like that again.” I put my arm around my friend, gave her a hug, and drove her home.
Nothing in life is free. Everything comes with a “price” and a lesson. However, you don’t necessarily have to “pay” for the lesson like my friend did. She decided – for the future – that she’s going to ask her posse for advice. Then she’s going to get out her spiral notebook with the flowers on it and write the pros and cons down. Finally, she’s going to use plain old common sense. Oh, and she wanted my readers to know this: “If you’re thinking about an all-expenses-paid romantic getaway, consider waiting for the right guy – a guy you know well, respect, and trust – a guy you would be proud to introduce to your spiritual advisor, your family, and especially one you would want to make love to over and over again.”
You are a great treasure that is not to be squandered.
Trust once broken must gather all its pieces and rebuild in a new mold of understanding a different reality.
One of the biggest faults of mankind is the belief that we have the right to judge others behind our walls of glass. We are on the inside looking out not noticing the cracks in our walls from the ripple effect of being judged as we judge others.
We are each our own worst judge and jury; our redemption is in not becoming our own executioner.