Sometimes you have to do the unexpected to become more than you ever imagined.
When bitterness seems to be the only choice, choose joy. When darkness is closing in, BE the light. Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t rise from whatever is holding you down, including yourself.
I’ve always been fascinated with sex from a fairly early age. I basically inhaled romance novels growing up through my high school years fantasizing what it would be like to have someone who wanted me so much that they wanted to see me naked. Amazing! I pretty much knew the mechanics of it but was holding on with a tightly clenched fist to my girlish need for everything around my “first time” to be perfect. I wanted to have my first time to be with a guy I was madly in love with who would make sure everything about that time was perfect, just like in the books. I held onto this up to adulthood (18) and even slightly past. After dating for a while and not feeling the magic I thought I should feel when I KNEW this was the right time and person, I just found a guy I thought attractive and thought to be a likely candidate for enjoyment if not romance and everlasting love and slept with him. I knew the violin swelling romance wasn’t in the cards for this assignation, but damn it! Couldn’t I at least have some enjoyment?! Sadly no, I was in that ever-widening group of people whose first time they’d rather forget.
I didn’t give up sex after that to be sure; in fact, I went through a sexual discovery mission trying out various guys from different walks of life and fulfillment reasons for my purposes for almost two years until I decided to actually try a monogamous romantic relationship. The thing you never really get from romance novels is that a true relationship takes work and doesn’t just “happen”. Even “perfect” relationships require an effort from both parties and the understanding that communication is crucial to try to avoid repeat mistakes and having the same pitfalls follow the relationship. I felt fairly open sexually and even liberated with my previous experience, but I never really got real with myself about communicating my wants and needs in the bedroom. Once it wore down or I got bored, I would leave. When I was in a relationship and didn’t get what I needed to be satisfied, I got angry. Neither of these were really healthy responses. One response gave me the opportunity to “hit it and quit it” and not really have consequences for it; but the other just made sex a struggle and added problems to the relationship because I felt that if this person really cared for me, he would just KNOW what was wrong and fix it.
Sadly, real relationships aren’t like book or movie relationships. Your significant other can’t figure you out through osmosis and problems are not solved by leaving dramatically only to have you both to figure out that you’re perfect for each other without ever having to really solve whatever caused the fight and flight in the first place. I’m sorry, but relationships do get tense and hard situations and conversations will need to occur if any growth is going to happen.
Sex is a dance, it’s poetry, it’s art, it’s a gift, it’s a question, it’s an answer, it’s a connection. Sex should never be demeaning or shameful. I’m a healthy female who enjoys sex and is not afraid of it. It took quite a bit of introspection to get real about my feelings concerning sex. When I realized that sex is every bit as much about my wants and needs as it is about the guy’s, it became far more enjoyable for me to explore. Sex is an exploration, of your wants, your needs, your boundaries. Push your boundaries and have fun but be safe about it and never let someone else decide what your boundaries should be.
Everyone should experience a moment of randomness. Let your mind open and just go with it.
I look in the past to gain perspective. I meditate on the present to decide my future. I walk in both to sketch the road map.
For those that have been following me for some time might notice that I started this topic a couple of years ago but never finished part three. I finally got into a rhythm on writing this week and have finished what I started. Here’s “Seven Deadly Sins of Relationships” in its entirety. Read, comment and share!!
There is definitely an argument for the well-known “seven deadly sins” to also apply to relationships. Do you find yourself being guilty of one or more of the deadly sins in YOUR relationship?
Wrath- We’ve all heard at one time or another: “Don’t let the sun go down upon your wrath” or more simply: “Don’t go to bed angry”. There’s sometimes very good reason to listen to this advice. Sometimes, dwelling on your anger breeds resentment and whatever you fought about in the beginning turns into a different argument entirely. The other wrathful behavior that can sometimes be in relationships is resentment or anger that goes too far. For example, sometimes we can be angry with our mate and are bent on causing pain through either physical means against them or even destruction of some items we know to be important to that person. We know it’s wrong and at the time, we may even feel justified; but do we really want to be known as “the crazy ex”? We’ve all heard horror stories about the “crazy exes” and there’s no honor in that title.
Greed- Are you an emotional or financial gold-digger? Are you taking more than you’re giving? I will definitely admit that no relationship is perfect. Everyone has to figure out what works for them, but when you know that your significant other wants one thing and you’re banking on their love for you to be happy just by your mere presence in the relationship and not the receipt of your love; you’re an emotional gold-digger. We all want to feel special and feel as if our mate will give us what we want and need as we give them what they want and need, but it’s difficult to do this in a one-sided relationship. When you’re in a relationship for what you can get out of it and not for a love that will be “the one” for you, then you’ve become the gold-digger in the relationship. This might be the relationship that works for some couples; but for the majority of us, we want an equal relationship or as close to one as we can possibly get. Take account of what you want and need in a relationship, if you’re with a person who isn’t willing or able to give what you want and need in the relationship, MOVE ON. Why try to force something that is absolutely due to fail? Cut your losses, learn the lessons, and move on towards the relationship that’s right for you.
Sloth- Have you “let yourself go” in the relationship? Are you starting to take your mate, your relationship or even yourself for granted? When we’re in a relationship, we must think about whether this person can really be considered for long-term and for marriage. When you’re with someone who seems lost in a “teenager’s state of living” with mounds of laundry, non-age-appropriate clothing, the utter lack of effort towards responsibility then you might want to reassess whether or not this person has the capacity to be in a successful relationship. Think about whether the pros outweigh the cons and whether your mate can work some of the cons on willingly. If upon addressing the issue your mate is willing to make a change, then the relationship might have a shot; if not, you need to move on to a situation that’s more compatible.
Pride– Pride in your mate or relationship is a good thing. Pride in yourself and accomplishments is also good; but when you use this as a measuring stick to whack your mate with to makes them feel inferior, then you’ve crossed the line into being too proud. Confidence and even a certain amount of arrogance can be healthy in a person; but when you use what accomplishments and assets you have to put yourself in a control position then you might want to take a look at yourself and at the relationship you have. If what you need to feel good is a dominant/submissive relationship, find someone who wants the other side of that. Don’t drag down your mate promising one thing but giving another. Be what you are but at least be fair.
Lust– Most of us have people other than our mates that we find attractive and even allow ourselves a slight fantasy involving these “crushes”. The problem is when that fascination turns into an affair. There have been arguments on both sides about emotional cheating and physical cheating. Some feel that even the mere fantasy about someone other than your mate is a break in trust. Most agree that sex and sexual activities with someone other than your mate is definitely a break in trust and is an affront to the relationship. While I do feel that emotional cheating is subjective, physical cheating is absolutely a break in trust and a serious wake-up call as to the real status of the relationship. It is very easy to be in the camp of “once a cheater, always a cheater”, but sometimes there’s also an argument for going to counseling to see if the relationship is salvageable. There’s a reason for everything even the things that hurt the most.
Envy- Most of us at one time or another have wished for something that someone else has; for example, someone’s clothes, job, family, lifestyle, or even their relationship. Sometimes envy can be innocently wistful; but other times, jealousy and resentment play a large part in our envious responses. More times than not in relationships, one or both persons in the relationship are jealous of a connection that a friend, family member, or even a co-worker might have with their mate. While there are times during which these tight connections can be suspect, you can’t demand that your significant other not have personal connections with others. I get it, the “you are my everything” idea is romantic to think about; but it’s not really practical or fair. Everyone needs someone(s) as their “outside the immediate love or family circle” connection, a place where they can be something else for a period of time. Emotional and mental freedom away from a romantic is a wonderful thing, I would say even necessary. If you’re with someone who would ask you to give up any outside connection (friendships, family, friendly acquaintances), you need to reassess whether this relationship is a truly healthy one. Envy will never do a heart, mind, body or soul any good.
Gluttony- You might wonder how I can fit gluttony into a seven deadly sin; but if you really think about it, you can see how it would make sense. It’s very easy to “love” someone to excess. You love that significant other too much for safety or comfort. You fight furiously to feel alive and possibly even have an even more intense makeup. You take, take, take and take but never try to meet your partner half-way or you give just as intensely but don’t give your partner the freedom to give in return. Eventually, the excesses get old and resentment will rear its ugly head. When relationships are more give and take rather than give or take, you can have more equal enjoyment in it. You can feel that each of you see that each has a share in the relationship and hopefully will want to do your best for yourself and your significant other.
I hope this article gave you something to think about and that you’ll share it with others! Get friendly with me on Facebook, follow me on Twitter, follow me on Pinterest, subscribe to the blog, or email me at email@example.com!
Now I will be the first to admit that I’ve complained of the seeming lack of “Mr. Rights” more times than I care to count. I’d come back from another failed date, another break-up, or a dating dry spell that would have a Westerns set look lush and inviting. As I’ve gotten older and moved closer to 30, I really started to hone in on my tendency towards tunnel-vision in dating. If I’m involved with someone exclusively, I am completely focused on him. I rearrange my schedule to accommodate his no matter how inconvenient it may be. In the period following my breakups, I see the destructiveness of this mind frame and even seem to learn from this in time for the next guy. I never fully realized how much I really wanted something real, healthy and nourishing romantically until after I got over my last breakup. In my first two relationships, I had next to nothing in common with my boyfriends; and in the last two, I had too much in common with my boyfriends but not enough of the positive stuff. I had finally started to realize that my caretaker/troubleshooter response to others gave me too much of a rescuer mentality rather than a romantic one. And I started asking myself: do I really want to be with someone who wants or needs a manager? My answer: No, I don’t. I would resent putting myself in that position and would resent the guy I was managing. I want a partner, someone who is my match without being the opposite sex version of myself and balances my strengths and weaknesses while challenging me to become a better version of myself while supporting me. I found that dating for the sake of not being alone lead me to make some rather questionable choices and didn’t help me to find the quality of partner material I’d like to find. I have realized even more importantly that to attract what I really want in life, I have to do some work on myself from the inside out. With that said, I’m off to do some emotional spring cleaning. From now on, I am an attractor for greatness.
Blow accepted ideals out of the water and develop new ideals.
What are you doing today that your future self will thank you for, your present self can build on and your past has influenced?
Don’t waste your heart and mind on resentment. It only adds scar tissue to what time has tried to heal.