This week staff writer Stephany Salinas discusses “letting go” in relationships. Do you agree, disagree? What’s your story?
The other day, I read in a men’s book that I have a “Mother Goose” personality type. I am a natural nurturer and am always doing things to please others. The type of men I typically go for are “project” men, or bad boys. There was a lot more to it, and reading the entire section was brutal. It wasn’t disturbing in the sense that it was right, it was more so disturbing how it made me sound as a person. While reading, I consciously agreed with nearly every sentence. After I was done, I noticed how weak and conforming it made me sound. So I thought about it, and how right it was, and decided that this week’s entry was going to be about letting go.
Deciding whether or not to stay with someone can be one of the hardest things to do in life. It’s very easy to get caught up in a relationship, or whatever it is you’re in, and blind yourself to the unfair way you are being treated. The decision to let go of someone boils down to two things: Change (or lack thereof) and uncertainty.
One of the most common problems in relationships is one person trying to change the other. I’ve had men try to change me, and I’ve also been guilty of trying to change a man. You can’t. Not only can’t you, you shouldn’t. If someone wants to change, it’s something they must do on their own. You can’t pressure them into it. You can’t help speed up the process. It’s something they must do on their own time, at their own pace. You mustn’t give them an ultimatum, because that will only confuse them even more. If they think you’re worth the change, it’ll happen, but never assume that they’re going to.
Change is a tricky thing, and something that we all go through. It’s nothing to be upset about. That’s life. However, walking away or taking a step back from someone who is going through change doesn’t mean that you don’t care. It simply means you are strong enough and willing to put your wants and desires aside, and let them figure out what they need to do. It’s one of the hardest, most selfless things you can do.
Having the courage to let go of something you cannot change is something few women are strong enough to do.
This is the part where you decide what it is you want in a significant other/relationship. Once you decide on that, you need to find out if the person you are with can give you that. And if more isn’t what this person can give you at the moment, you need to make a tough, executive decision. You can stick it out and hope for the best, risking heartbreak and potential disappointment. Or, you can walk away. And when I say walk away, I don’t mean drop them out of your lives completely (although, in some cases it may be healthier). Sometimes, these people are genuinely lost and just need someone to be there. Not in a sense of a significant other, but a companion nonetheless. If you still care, make sure to offer your words, advice, and a shoulder to cry on, for one day it might be you who is going through change.
And if you want to stick around…
There is no shame in that. Sometimes these things just feel right. Sometimes, you need to make the mistake before you learn. Be careful. Like Gotye says, “You can be addicted to a certain kind of sadness.”
Letting go is never easy.
It’s easy is falling into the routine of being the caretaker. It comes with compassion and empathy, which can be blessings and curses.
Don’t get taken advantage of, because at the end of the day, you need to take care of yourself.