Staff writer Dallas Fitzgerald brings us the conclusion to his two-part blog series on domestic wellness. Enjoy!
Health insurance can be expensive, and even if you do have it, oftentimes the deductible is so high that it makes the insurance obsolete except in the case of a medical emergency. Because of this, many uninsured people are forced to forgo seemingly trivial medical assessments like hearing and vision tests.
In this two-part blogging event, I introduced Domestic Testing, a radical innovation in wellness that allows spouses and partners to administer simple hearing and vision tests on each other from the comfort of their own home. Last time, I discussed the Domestic Hearing Test, and this time,I will be discussing the Domestic Vision Test.
My wife has very bad vision—she’s practically blind without glasses or contacts—and so it is important that I, as her loving husband, help maintain her ocular wellness. In order to do this, I have developed the Domestic Vision Test, or DVT.
The DVT is a fairly simple test that I administer to my wife on a weekly basis. Using black washable marker, I write a sentence across the front of my body. I start the sentence at the top of my chest using large letters, and I continue the sentence down to my belly button using smaller letters for each line of the sentence.
When I have finished writing the entire sentence across my body, I instruct her to lie down in the bed naked, remove her glasses and close her eyes. I proceed to strip naked, and I walk into the bedroom facing her. When I have positioned myself exactly four feet from the foot of the bed, I instruct her to open her eyes and begin reading the sentence.
She is able to read the first line with ease, even without her glasses: “This is a…” She reads the second line fairly easily as well: “…vision test…” By the third line, she starts to struggle with the words. When she begins struggling, I take one step towards the bed and ask her to begin reading the sentence again.
This time, she can read the first, second and third lines fairly easily: “This is a vision test for my…” She struggles with the fourth line of words. I take another step towards the bed and ask her to begin reading the sentence again.
She reads the first, second, third and fourth lines with ease: “This is a vision test for my ocular wellness…” When she gets to the fifth line of words, she starts to struggle again, so I take a final step forward and position myself right at the foot of the bed.
She starts to read the sentence again, and this time, she reads the entire sentence without any problems: “This is a vision test for my ocular wellness. Do you want to have sex with me?”
I say, “Yes, of course I’d like to have sex with you sweetheart,” and since we’re both already naked, the Domestic Vision Test concludes with a thorough physical examination and a sexual wellness course. I can’t wait until next week when she gives me my Domestic Vision Test!
This concludes the Domestic Wellness series. I hope you enjoy administering the Domestic Vision Test as much as I did.
This article is not to be taken seriously. I “test” my wife’s vision as a joke. The DVT is not a serious wellness innovation. Only someone specially trained in healthcare or wellness can administer a real vision test.